I Love My Wife Very Much But As We Get Older I Find Myself Losing Interest In Her Sexually. We're In Our 40s And I Long For The Beautiful Young Girl I Married. I Look At Her And See An Overweight, Greying Woman. It's Not That I Fancy Anyone Else, But I'm Not Turned On By My Wife Anymore. It's Obviously Affecting Other Areas Of Our Marriage. What Can I Do?


19 Answers

Oscar De La Huerte Profile
If you're worried about the fact that your marital bed isn't seeing the amount of action you'd like, then rest assured you're not alone!

Many couples find that, as their marriage progresses, sex seems to take something of a back seat. However, just because it's fairly common, doesn't mean you shouldn't do something about it!

How to get your sex life back in three simple steps:

For me, the most encouraging thing is the first part of your question: 'I love my wife very much'.

This makes the 'but' part a lot easier to deal with. As long as the love is still there, dealing with the sex part becomes a lot easier.

Sex (and the urge to have sex) is as natural as getting hungry driving past Nando's on an empty stomach. Whether your wife shows it as much or not, the chances are she is feeling just as 'hungry'. If you're attempting to revive your sex life and your relationship to its former glory, I'd recommend you try out the following:

1) Communicate with your wife The first thing you need to do is sit down with your wife and communicate. It may be awkward or uncomfortable (I find that a bottle of wine helps) but you need to sit down and talk frankly with your wife about how you feel.

If things have got to the stage where they are affecting your marriage, then talking frankly (but sensitively) is vital. Come up with things you're both unhappy with, and realistic solutions to these problems. Approach things as a team, if you both want to make things work out then you'll find a way.

2) Get active together! Whilst there's no sense in expecting your wife to turn back time and become a teenager again, there is definitely a lot to be said for taking pride in one's appearance.

Maybe you could encourage her to join you at the gym or on some other type of physical activity. As well as getting you both in shape, working out will boost your sex-drive and is a great way to bond.

You might even want to consider an activity-based holiday together like white water rafting.

3) Go on holiday Even if white-water rafting isn't your thing, a holiday in general would be a great idea. Getting away from your regular routine and spending some time in a relaxed environment can be just what you need to reignite the spark.
There's no need to go for the 'big gesture' romantic holiday to Paris - even a weekend together at a spa or health resort can be just as beneficial.
David Haynes Profile
David Haynes answered
Well, I know quite well what you are going through. I have been married for the past 26 years (to the same woman), and I did tell her that when she turned 40, I was going to trade her in for two 20's! I'm 57, she's 59 (I like older women, they are more experienced) and the hot sex just ain't there anymore, but neither are our young ages.

I have a hot sex drive, and always have, I am Italian, but her sex drive up and left a few years back, but it don't matter that much to me anymore, I have been with her so long, that I can easily overlook things like this and find a great deal of enjoyment and comfort in just being around her, doing things together and having fun together. I love to scuba-dive, and she doesn't, but she still sits in the boat and takes care of the fish I toss in, helps me clean them and BBQ them on the hibachi we keep on board.

I guess the best way to answer your question is sex isn't everything, you've got to look at her and realize that she must still have some of qualities that attracted you to her, and find enjoyment with her and being with her 'til death do you part.

Love her and continue to always take care of her in your golden years. The grass might be greener somewhere else, but you'll never find another person who has all the qualities that attracted you to your wife, when you both were young and foolish - she is unique and so are you. After all, you have been with her all these years, haven't you?

Stay with her, make her happy and always tell her that you love her and are still glad you married her. If you think she is no longer attractive to you, then you might go take a long look in the mirror at yourself. You ain't no spring chicken, any more. Be glad for what you've got and "don't worry, be happy".....
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
This is what you call growing old together. I mean, I'm sure you don't look the same way as you did when she first met you. So why knock her for something that is beyond her control?

People change and they get older, they don't get younger. Your job as a husband is to look beyond her outer beauty and look at her inner beauty which counts. If she knew what you thought of her, I'm sure she would be hurt.

If you are not turned on by her any more because of how she looks, then that sounds like a personal problem. She's your wife and maybe you need to talk to her one on one and try to get to some type of understanding. If you want her to lose weight and start having a lean, trimmed, sexy body again, then tell her that's what you want, but not in a way that it will hurt her and lower her self esteem.

I know that it's true when couples get married, their whole style begins to change. They don't feel that they should be sexy any more, they feel that they should dress however they want and it's fine. Maybe that's how she feels. But just let her know that you would enjoy her looking good for you and as far as the weight issue....ask her if she would like to go on a suitable diet and exercise to try to lose weight...But let her know that she shouldn't just do it for you but also for her!
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Keep in mind that there really is what we like to call a "mid-life crisis". You should take stock of your life. Women like to feel good from within and take better care of themselves when they feel loved and appreciated by the men they are with. When a woman feels emotionally connected to her partner, there is free communication between the two of them. There really IS a connection.

Both people feel valued and accepted and safe in the relationship. They know what is attractive to their spouse and they want to please the person whom they love. You are not in that situation. You are treating your wife in a way that in not OK with her, and both of you are not on the same emotional level. If you were, you would be working this out with her.

You may need some therapy individually and as a couple you need to work out how to communicate and reclaim that attraction that drew you together in the first place. You want to solve this and not just let it fester in silence. Nothing will improve without your effort. You should learn how to motivate yourself and communicate with your wife without destroying your bond. There are lots of books and programs to refer to, and counselors are available everywhere.
thanked the writer.
Anonymous commented
Love is not about sex only. Love is a deep word and are many things. Love is forgiveness. Love is Care. Love is giving and expecting nothing. Love is a deep feeling. You should find other qualities of her. Like she is honest, she is supportive, she is helpful that the inner beauty and the beauty of one's personality is the real beauty.
charmaine saunders Profile
What confuses me about your question is that you haven't mentioned at any stage discussing this problem with your wife. If you are married and presumably have been for a while, you need to communicate honestly about matters that concern you both. For a start, how do you know that she doesn't feel the same way about you? Are you the same young man she married? Of course not.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
If you do discuss this with your wife... she will be offended. If you tell a woman she looks like she's getting older and you miss the younger girl you married, expect a stay in in the doghouse. I would go with the advice that you've gotten older, too. It's not fair to look at her in a different light than you look at yourself.
susan Profile
susan answered
Don't worry - this is very normal at your age. This is mainly because you still think like a young man, both physically and mentally. However time can seem like a demand on us all, it is still something that we all have to adapt to no matter what.

I know of a good exercise that you could use for love making! Try and close your eyes; be in a dimmed light room. Play music from your golden days. Make sure that no one is around. Charm her like you used to do, when you knew her. Then experience how both of your bodies have changed, either for the better or the worse! Try to come to terms with the ever-flowing demands of time.

I hope this helps you;)
Gillian Smith Profile
Gillian Smith answered
I wonder how your wife looks at you now? Have you thought that she might long for the young man she married all those years ago?

Your life sounds devoid of any real excitement at the moment and all relationships can go through periods when one or both partners feel in a 'rut'. Have a good look at yourself, your role as well as your wife's in the marriage and think about what you can both do to make each other feel a lot better.

Perhaps your wife doesn't feel attractive anymore. Tell her she's special, take her out shopping, be romantic. You'll feel better, she'll feel better and with luck and effort the marriage will get better.
Life can be lonely out there if you go your separate ways in your forties and the grass isn't always greener on the other side of marriage.

Why not talk about a special break, a new look for both of you and see what happens.
Edia Rex-Ogbuku Profile
Edia Rex-Ogbuku answered
I think you should discuss this issue with your wife , tell her how you feel, hear what she has to say about it. I assume you have been together for a long time, if you got through all the troubles of marriage until now, then you can deal with this issue on your own.

If you have any sexual fantasies, tell her, and then get her to tell you her own sexual fantasies. You see sex is what destroys most marriages, and lack of communication about sex jeopardizes marriage.
Mrs Ellis Profile
Mrs Ellis answered
You cannot love your wife if all you see is the physical. I thought marriage went beyond that superficial realm. Have you changed also? Yes. And I suppose that your wife still loves you and craves you unconditionally?

If you want to encourage her to work out for health purposes I can understand that. If you want to take her to the salon and pamper her with a new hair-do, manicure, and pedicure I am all for that too. I just hate to see how you will feel when she is 60.

Love should conquer all but a superficial man is just that. If you tell her how you feel she will be so hurt especially as there are so many body image issues being presented by society and the media these days. Imagine how much worse it would be coming from the man she loves.

Here is some advice: Divorce your wife and let her be with a man who will love her unconditionally and then you can be with all of the skinny pretty women you want. Don't be a selfish ass. Be a loving husband. That is what is wrong with society too much emphasis on the physical and you asses are willing to break up a happy home and lose a good woman. You are too old to be thinking like that. That is not love.
yvette Jones Profile
yvette Jones answered
I think I need to remind you "for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in SICKNESS and in health". It's not fair to her if you have a need to discard her for a younger model. I don't know what to tell you. All I know is that I am a woman in my late '40s, greying hair, a little overweight and I thank God my husband loves me, but if he decided to leave me I would not stop him. I can't force someone to love me.

How would you feel if you had cancer and she decided, "you know what - you're no longer the younger, healthier model I married years ago" - and just walked out the door?

You will have to speak with your wife. That's all I can say. Under the law of God he tells me, what he has joined together let no man put asunder. Pray that she will take care of herself, color her hair and start working out. God Bless you both.
carol washington Profile
I am a 53 year old wife, and my husband of 34 years is 56. We were high school sweethearts but - talk about a change - we have both been up and down the scale with health issues, money issues and just about anything else marriage can suffer, but we have been blessed with 4 children, 3 grandchildren and 2 dogs.

If we never made love again in this lifetime, I would not blink an eye. Love is not sex. Sex is a part of marriage, and a big part in the beginning. As the years go by, your lives together become so much more.

If the love is still there for your wife, start doing things together that have nothing to do with sex. Both of you need to be close before sex enters the mind. If you are feeling this way about her, rest assured she knows and might be thinking the same way about you.
Dishun Wilson Profile
Dishun Wilson , think, answered

I'm not married yet but to tell you the truth everybody in this world is going to get tired of their others sex life. 

It's going to get old because you been with it for so long and its like the same way every time or sometimes and when you've had it for so long when she tries something new you're going to feel like she has done it already and its going to be boring to you more and more and more each time. That is just how it is sometimes.

karl goodwin Profile
karl goodwin answered

Call a lawyer and he can inform you of the cost of disposing of a wife and the cost of purchasing a 20 year old replacement.  It's done all the time but it is very expensive. I got a good deal, my lawyer had a sale on at the time.

thanked the writer.
Yo Kass
Yo Kass commented
I don't think anyone really got anywhere in life trivialising their personal relationships :-/
Tom  Jackson
Tom Jackson commented
Actually, Shakespeare would have inserted a comedic scene in his plays at about this point in the narrative.

Personally, I enjoyed this answer. I was getting depressed with all this "reality" about "old married people."

Remember, it's not what happens to you in life, it's what you tell yourself about what is happening and how you deal with it subsequently.
Phineous J. Whoopee Profile

You might be feeling this way because you are nearing  mid-life, and might be looking back at choices you made and playing the "what if.." game.  Try to remember all the good times you had with your wife - kissing, having sex, etc.  Maybe try to spice things up a bit, is there anything that you have not mentioned to your wife before that you find exciting, or that you have not done in a long time that you miss?  Maybe have both of you write down 3 fantasies you want to try/experience - be as creative as you like,  make it fun.  Then pick one randomly out of a hat and do it.   

Meta Forrest Profile
Meta Forrest answered
Maybe she's longing for the hunky virile guy that she met and married. Ever thought of that? Believe me the grass is NOT always better on the other side. Be grateful for what you've got.
Dear X, at this stage of your life, you lose your wife only for the reason that is she overweight? This is very unfair. Suppose your wife is thinking like you, then what would be your feelings? So, of course she is older but if you can't overcome your thoughts, you should talk to your wife and clarify the situation, I hope she will understand your problem.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Keep the original wife and add a new younger wife to the mix....it is called polygamy....or plural family......www.biblicalfamilies.org
It is Christian....exciting....but it can be complicated....so get ready for the extra responsibility....Good luck.

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