I Want To Get Over My Girlfriend's Past, What Do I Do?

64 Answers

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

This can be tricky but you've already made the first step by saying you want to look forward and not back. Whatever your girlfriend may have done in the past is exactly that - the past. If it was before you were together than that may make it a lot easier to get over. However, if it was earlier in your relationship then it can still be worked out if you and your girlfriend are completely honest with each other.

Talk Through The Issues

Firstly, you must tell her exactly how you feel about her past and how it still might be affecting you. Although she may be hurt by such declarations at least you knows how you are feeling. She may well give you more reasons to why she did what she did and this could help you to get over it if you can see it from her angle.

Be Open and Look To The Future

Being open with your girlfriend is a great policy to start anyway and so if you can both know where you stand and how you both feel about certain things then the problems should be easier and more manageable to resolve. As mentioned earlier, the best way to get over the past is to look to the future. If your girlfriend is now on the straight and narrow then you can't keep punishing her for her patchy past. It is not fair on her and not good for your mental state.

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

To all the gentlemen from the answers:

Like most of you, my girlfriend has done many a wrong thing in her past. Just like you, it tore at me soul, made me crazy! Made me question. I gave my virginity to her, I saved my one and only bullet for that girl and it took me 23 years before I found her. I like most of you guys, am secure in knowing that I could of bagged me lots of women before I meant my keeper. BUT I choose not to because it wasn't right. Maybe I thought my future wife would be the same as me virginity intact, BUT the world don't run as we see fit n sh*t happens. So if I were you I'd ask questions. Starting with what is Love? Love aint just sun shine and daisys, sometimes its a cold boot to the face. Loves gettin back up, Loves sayin one more round. Love is facing the hurtful past. Yes ask how life was before she got you. Make sure her love for you is like your love for her. HMMM how do we know her love for you is genuine? There is notable change in her lifestyle. She regrets the past, don't want it because its shameful cause it is. Like you it hurts when you think of her past as it should hurt her as well because shes tainted herself and missed out on time she didn't spend with you.

If this girlfriend of yours is to be your counterpart the one thing she'll want is you.  Yes her choice is you. That means your better then her past experiences, but thats just not good enough. Its up to you to shoulder up the responsability you took in not being the same as she was. Accept that you were not in her life then. Accept her word, that had you been in life then she'd only have you. So get over your past as well as hers. Its an ugly tough test dealing with the past but its one test that needs to be passed in order to fully enjoy the future.

Gentlemen gentlemen I feel for you all. I'm here with you and proud to say that true love can overcame the fear, shame, and guilt the passed has brought about. You guys really are the best of the best. Your girlfriends love you. Take heed and love you woman OVERCOME!! BE THE BEST!!!
 

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
If she was honest with you about everything and she loves/trusts you enough to say that she regretted it, the only thing you can do is to just get over it. Give it some time, it might even take a year or more to get completely over it. If you know she's worth it because she's proven herself to be a different/better person when she's with you and you truly love her, then you have no choice and it will get better. I was in a similar situation a while back, and eventually you just don't care. There are a million things you can blame to help yourself deal with it, but you finally learn to accept that girls are just as horny as guys and if guys just happened to have the same opportunities as girls they would take them too and some people just make mistakes because they were young and didn't know how to deal with their feelings yet because society is telling them that its cool to have sex as soon as possible with lots of people. And honestly, if you really love her, you just don't care after a while because you know she won't ever do it again and you get to spend the rest of your life with the coolest person in the world or you can end it because of some stupid things that doesn't involve you at all. Yal weren't in love then.  I've almost stopped the happiest memories of my life from happening because I didn't think I could get over it, but eventually....you just...forget. I chose to spend my life with the prettiest/coolest person who makes my life wonderful everyday. Just give it time.  Good luck. Peace
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
People telling you to 'get over it' does not help in these situations.
If someone has never experienced these feelings they cannot possibly know how all consuming and destructive they are..
I have great empathy with anyone who has or has had these feelings. I lost a girlfriend because I couldn't get over her past. I used to think if I could just understand everything about her previous relationships it would help me come to terms with them ... But in some ways it just made things worse. In the end my concerns about her past destroyed our future. My advice is don't go there.

My pet theory is having terrible jealousy like this is a self defense mechanism and 'natural' ... Built in our 'genes' from thousands of years ago when people lived in tight knit communities and there was a need to spread the gene pool. By making us feel bad about someone who had already slept with someone else we'd be more likely to go and find someone 'fresh'.
I know this doesn't help ... But it may explain why these kind of feelings are so prevalent and so many people experience them. The trouble is nowadays things have moved on a lot and people have sex very young and with lots of different people to 'experiment'.

I have a new girlfriend who, guess what, has a past. I have learnt not to ask ... But this does not make my knot of jealousy disappear. The thing is I am not an insecure person of anything and we love each other very much. This just goes to prove to me that these feelings are something that we can't really help at our core ... The best we can do is try and control and suppress them.

My way of dealing with this has to believe that I am in a happy 'bubble' with my now girlfriend. And that if my jealous fiend comes out to play ... I treat him as an enemy that is a clear and present danger to my bubble and must be beaten down at all costs. He is not allowed to come into that bubble because that would destroy everything I hold dear ... As it has in the past.
Ben Profile
Ben answered
Hi, I have found this very helpful for me so far and am glad to know I'm not the only one going through this.  I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 months now and still am having ruminating thoughts about her past.  She told me a couple days into our relationship that she had had sex with 3 guys, (one 2.5 times she says, the other 3, and a random hook up 1 time) and I was a virgin until her.  Now she says that she never wanted it and they all pushed it upon her and the last guy wasn't even her boyfriend just a friend.  Anyways, she said she never did anything just sat there while they were doing it and that's it.  They all used a condom too which is good.  She is 18 and a freshmen in college and I'm 22 and a senior in college now, we both went to the same high school and I know all the guys she was with.  They were not my friends but I know a lot about them.  I have had so many thoughts about punching the lights out of all of them and whenever I see pictures off them I go mad.  My girlfriend tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her and I'm the only true love she's ever had.  I love her so much and we've been trying to get over it but I always have moments where I break down.  It has gotten a little better over the last 7 months but I still want to pay those guys back for what they did to her and she is afraid that I will go so far to beat them to a pulp, possibly kill them.  I consider myself a really nice guy but I get extremely ticked off when girls are treated like crap or people in general and I have a problem controlling my anger at times.

As for now I have had a lot of convos with my girlfriend and we have cried together about it many times.  I told her letting out everything helps, I hate knowing details but if I don't know them then I'll just be thinking about them anyways.  So girls, tell your guys EVERYTHING.  You have to or he will always wonder.  I'm trying my best to get over this and hate bringing it up to her all the time but I came to this conclusion...... If you truly love your girlfriend and she truly loves you, then you have to get over it.  Do everything you can to cope with it.  When it's "for real" believe me you know.  Me and my girlfriend have talked about everything from marriage, to how many kids, where to live, what roles we will have, everything.  We agree on everything and I'm absolutely certain we will be with each other forever.  Yes she had a rough 2 years of her life but now me and her can have a wonderful 70 possible years together.  I don't know what else to do other than think of the positives.  Think of how the other guys feel knowing they pushed a great girl away by treating her like crap and now she found someone "better" than them.  I better stop before I get carried away, or too sad lol, but I wish the best for you all, I really do.  Sry is this was confusing to anyone but the thoughts keep coming.  I could go on and on about more things but I don’t wana bore anyone and think I hit the main points.  Also thank you guys and girls for all the stories you have shared it really helped me too.  As for the ones still having troubles, I know how hard it is but if I can make it, so can you, after all we’re all human.  =))
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Anonymous
Anonymous commented
I cry with you. Knowing someone is in the exact position and pain I feel is the greatest comfort in the world. Thank you for posting.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I feel the same exact way. Just try to tough it out, and if your in love with the girl...let it go. The past cannot be changed, but her love for you is probably greater than anything she had with anyone else. Hope I helped man.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
To the guest who wrote: "I'm going through this currently, and I came here to find an answer, but alas I didn't.  I'm going to try to be as specific as possible with this comment, and hopefully someone can help or give thoughts..."

That was basically my life story as well. The only difference is, instead of finding pictures in her laptop, it was a Word document containing her text messages with her ex. The one thing that stabbed me in the gut was their conversation of his first sexual experience with her. It was a lot more graphic than I thought I'd prepared myself for. I know I brought it upon myself, but it's hard not to pretend that it didn't bother me. I pretty much went through all the post-traumatic symptoms you did: Not wanting to touch her, wondering if I should confront her or keep it in, etc. I knew word for word exactly how you felt, as creepy that might seem.

Honestly, even if there's still a little bit of that resentment/jealousy in me, communication has definitely eased my worries. We worked it all out by talking, and I got to admit, I even feel a little ridiculous for overreacting about it. I'm not her first for anything, but I'm still learning to accept that. I love her, and she loves me back unconditionally. She reassured me that, even though the fact remains that her past can't be changed and what happened happened, I am her present and her future. Two things that her exes can never be.

As long as you keep in mind that what you're fighting for is worth it in the end, you just got to tough it out. It's cliche, but that's love for you..
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

I went through the same thing. I found pictures and a diary of my girl's past lovers. It's hard. I am glad I didn't find any sex tapes but maybe they are out there somewhere. We have been together for a long time. Everything was fine until I found all this out.  She told me that she had been with several other men, but I somehow dealt with it not knowing the details. After seeing and reading the details of her past,  I became self destructive and had considered hurting myself or worse. I did not do anything because I have children who need me. I feel trapped but I love her so much. I feel like if I had a past of my own, hers wouldn't matter. Maybe I need to experience someone else, but that would make me a cheater and I would risk losing everything we have together. I don't want that. I guess I am doomed to suffer or try to forget and focus on the present and future. This is not easy to do. I hope there is a god because I pray now to him daily to help me. No one else can help me.

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I'm going through this currently, and I came here to find an answer, but alas I didn't.  I'm going to try to be as specific as possible with this comment, and hopefully someone can help or give thoughts.

She is my first girlfriend that I've ever had sex with, as I'm a virgin and she wasn't.  She's also the first girlfriend that I took a shower with, did stuff naked with, and went out places to eat with.  I have had other girlfriends, but we never had sex or seen each other completely naked, just making out and dry grinding.

She has had 3 or 4 boyfriends, all of which have been a couple years minimum.  She tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her.  We've been going out for a month and everything was good.  On christmas I bought her a memory card so she can put up photos on her digital frame.  She asked me to upload some pics and I said sure.  On her laptop as I was going through the folders I found one that said "My ex's 2 year anniversary", I ignored it as it's a private thing and just uploaded friend pics and called it a good day.  

This morning I was up at 3am at her place while she was sleeping.  I did usual websurfing and watched some shows.  After I got bored, I opened up the picture albums.  I saw that same folder again... This time I decided to open it.  I saw some nice pictures, but there was one that she's with her ex kissing him.  I closed the laptop and sat on the couch pondering what I just saw.  EVERYTHING WENT BAD FOR ME IN THE NEXT 30 MINUTES.  Everything that we did.. EVERYTHING.. I realized it was all a new unique experience for me, while she did everything with her ex's before me.  I felt disgusted, I didn't even want to touch her anymore.  I'm the type of guy that likes to do everything once, because it's unique.  But now that all these thoughts are in my head about all the stuff we've done... She's done EVERYTHING with them.. And I'm really hurt.  MY stomache is in a huge knot about this as I'm typing this.  

I really don't know if I can go back to being the same with her, and I'm worried that I will end up telling her to just be friends because of this.  It's not unlikely either, which is the scary part, but I do fear that it might be the only solution for me to get over this.  I talked to her this morning about these feelings of hurt I'm having, and that knowing she did that stuff really hurts.  I completely and utterly know it's NOT HER FAULT; she went out with those guys, loved em or liked em, and did those things because she cared for them.  Unfortunately I have a mind that doesn't stop over thinking, and will hold on to things like this for a long time, so this is in fact my fault, not hers.  I'm actually worried more about hurting her, then how I feel.

People will tell guys like us to "let it go, she's with you so why should her past matter", but that doesn't help, especially if it'll always be at the back of your mind.  I guess I will just need time to get over it.  But the problem with that is... Do I still spend time with her? My resentment might brew even stronger.  And if I stay away from her, I may feel better but that defeats the purpose really.

Sigh, I hate this, I really do.  Also, is it my place to ask her to remove those photos? I don't want to cross any lines, but I never kept any of my past relationships.  And it would have to be.. Gone, not just placed somewhere else that I can't find them.  

There are just so many things I need to work through alone it sucks, but reading some of your posts I really am glad that others share my feelings.  I do feel a little bit better having typed out my feelings and shared them with you guys, but this jealousy and hurt is just too much to keep thinking about it.

If you have thoughts or ideas, please share, as I will be coming back here to see what others wrote.

Sorry about the long post.
thanked the writer.
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Anonymous
Anonymous commented
I know that it sounds a little bit weired to get engaged that fast but my society has some rules any how every thing was so lovley so far and i was so honest to her and i told her about my whole past and she was understanding about my previous relationships which was really normal for any normal guy and she told me about her 2 boyfriends they were before me and that was a love story in college but i didnt worked out but she assured me that no full sexual sessions have been made with them ,
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
She said to me that it was a matter of french kissing at the maximum , and i was really understanding and i even understand if something more happened with them ,because simply she used to love them and when a girl loves she gives her lover without hesitation.
To be honest i was so happy to hear this from her and i was saying how lucky am i ..
She was behaving in a way that she is so careful in her relations and she doesnt give a green light to a guy unless she really knows if he is serious
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
Because she isnot a type of girl that she fool arround from guy to guy and she lookes to be so.
And i know that she loves me and i love her , every thing went very easy and we were planing to get married in Feb until one month ago and her the crises where it took place she was checking her email from my laptop and then she left and we were having alot of fun for that day and then i drove her to her house .
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Don't overthink it too much.
Just remember that they're the reason you two are together now.
They weren't good enough for her when they were together.
Prove yourself that you're the one & you're worth her time than the others.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Imagine being with a girl you love for over 8 months and on Valentine's night, you find a sex tape of your girl with a random guy on her laptop from a couple of years past, and also many chats saved to the hard drive(mostly sexual).  How would that make you feel?  You ask her questions about her past and she actually comes out and tells you the truth, trust me I was not ready for the truth.  She slept with 10 guys before me, more than half were just flings, and I had only been with 1 girl before her.  She was 19 and now 23  I am still with her, you know why, because she loves me more than any of those losers.  I know it feels like your world is crashing to the ground, because when I saw the tape, the pictures, his name, I couldn't stop imagining her with him.  But you know what people make mistakes, I will try to deal with it because I am in love with her, but I know I am young too, and I will take it day by day.  I know she is not that person anymore, because we spend everyday together, and we still have feelings for each other.  If you lose those feelings, DO NOT STAY WITH HER.  There are plenty of girls out there, don't feel hopeless and depressed over one person, your health is not worth it.  The feelings can be devastating, because as a guy who though he was moral not to sleep with many girls unless you loved them, it can be very damaging to find out your girlfriend was not as sexually repressed as you.  Girls can be just as horny as guys, but they will say it was just sex, or it was not a big deal.  TRUST me to some guys it is a big deal.  My best advise is to strongly look at the situation from every aspect possible, but don' ever disrespect the girl, because you do not know the pressure girls are under, especially mine during her college years, trying to fit in and have fun.  It's not her fault you didn't know her past.  LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST AND BE THANKFUL FOR ONE ANOTHER.  IF YOU DON'T ENJOY YOUR TIME TOGETHER AND YOU JUDGE HER FOR HER PAST AND THINK YOU ARE SUPERIOR TO HER OR ARE EXTREMELY JEALOUS THEN JUST LET HER GO, IT WILL BE HARD ON BOTH OF YOU, BUT IT WILL BE FOR THE BEST, YOU ARE STILL YOUNG, THE RIGHT GIRL IS OUT THERE, JUST LOOK FOR HER, IF YOU STILL can't STAND THE SITE OF HER THEN IT IS TIME TO SAY FAREWELL TO ONE ANOTHER.  IN MY SITUATION, I DON'T THINK IT CAN GET ANY WORSE THAN SEEING YOUR GIRL IN A SEX TAPE WITH ANOTHER GUY, BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I'm going through the same thing now...but I had something I consider a miracle. She was with one guy before me, her only other serious relationship. They "did the deed" and when I first found out I was hurt. I personally had saved myself for marriage, I was devastated. However, as I got to know her I fell in love. Some of the things I said I'd never do seemed to change...I proved my love by doing that deed with her, once, just to prove to her (she has some trust issues because of that same guy) that I love her and want to be with her forever. I mentioned a miracle right, well here it is: Her hymen was still there! Fully intact! The guy before me never broke it, she said afterward she was told it's still there. I was the one to break it...so technically I took her FULL virginity, what I prayed for from God and he granted me that miracle. Yes she has a past, she did things with him that still hurt me a little but I must admit it's getting better. As time goes on I'm starting to see how much she loves me and how much I love her. One line I heard once was: "Don't worry that you're not her first, just be thankful that you're her last because that's what matters." Also, think for a second, she's yours, not the other guy's. You're in love so you know how great a person she is...that guy was a MORON for letting her go so feel sorry for him he let such a prize go...revel in his unluckiness, sneer at his stupidity, hate him not her. She's yours, all yours so focus on that. I've never replied to one of these before because I was looking for insight...but I can see God's hand in our relationship and I do consider the fact that the hymen was still there completely to be a miracle! I love her and that's all that matters, she's mine and not his, he doesn't know what he let go, he lost the crown jewel, the best and now I have her and I'm not letting go! Don't let this ruin your relationship, let it strengthen it, she told you means she trusts you and that she's serious because if she wasn't she'd lie just to get what she wants, right? She's trusting you not to judge but to love her and you're breaking that trust. Look at it this way, if one of your family members does something wrong, really wrong, will you still love them? Of course you will, they're family and you'll always love them! If you love her that must mean you may want to marry her, making her family. How can you hold something up against someone that's family? Would you want your father, mother, sister, brother to hold up a mistake you made in your past and not want to see or be with you anymore over it, of course not! Love her for what's inside. You've touched a love that nobody else has. You've touched her soul if she loves you back...and that might be something that other guy never got to touch! Physical beauty is important but isn't the end all be all of dating...it's what's in the mind and heart that count, right? That applies here as well, she loves YOU, not him YOU! The physical doesn't matter as much as the spiritual and if you're in love that's a great spiritual connection. Could she have been in love before? Yes. However, every time it's a little different. Think about this, it really helped me: If you could have a girl with NO sexual past but you aren't really compatible or a girl with a little sexual past but you are VERY compatible, which would you choose? Another point is that many that haven't done anything EVER may crave it more later in life, thinking they missed out on other opportunities and want to explore those. If you have someone a little experienced, they know what that's like and they want to be with YOU. None of the others. They've experienced a few other things but they stick with you because it's YOU they know they love...you can't know what love is until you know what just liking a person of the opposite sex is, right? I know this was kind of long for an Anonymous post but I had a lot to say, this is a topic that is VERY close to me because I'm dealing with it too, writing this has helped me as well. She loves you dude, don't screw that up, that's not something that comes by every day...plus in today's society, odds of finding a virgin are less and less...plus odds of finding a virgin you LOVE, almost astronomical. I can see God's hand in my relationship, look for signs she's the one, little signs of similar personality, past, interests or even running into each other unexpectedly a lot or chatting a lot. Other things too. If you love her, stay with her, it gets easier over time...I don't think it ever FULLY goes away but about 99% away after a while. Hope that helped and hope you read this far! Good luck!
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Well To be Honest My Present Gf Has Slept with Over 35 guys since she was 16 only one of them being a real bf. To be honest I love her but it hurts when when people talk about what they considers sluts and whores and usually they talk about girls who have even slept  with less guys and I get sad knowing that my gf has even slept with more guys then whom people consider sluts and it hurts that is why I feel a girl should have more respect for them self. Sex is great for the time then its gone but having some who cares about you should mean more cause atleast you know they care for who you are. Some time I wish girls and guys would wait till they were married
Hayley Louise bush Profile
everyone is the same , but think to yourself why have none of the past relationships worked out? they obviously were not compatible so you need to look what is happening now not the past.She has made a decision to be with you , you are the one she loves .
But maybe you need to let her know how you feel, don't bottle it up and stew over her past otherwise it will just eat away at you and you will most probably push her away by being insecure.
jennifer haynoski Profile
You need to accept her for the good and the bad. If you can't then maybe you should consider being by yourself until you figure it out. The way I see it the past is the past and I'm sure everybody has a bit of a past. Another give her credit she loves you so much to tell you about the past
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
First off, you have to understand that your girl is not a part of you. She wasn't put on this Earth for the two of you to be together. You are "the one", not her. I understand this because I've been dealing with it for 8 years, and the same jealousy has re-surfaced now. She's my wife now, and I still find myself bothered by her past. But I'm learning that I have to have more of an interest in myself. Strength comes from accepting the truth. Truth is when we look for others to love us, we neglect ourselves. Confidence is knowing that "YOU" are the important factor, so learn to love yourself more. Not in a selfish conceited way, but in a spiritual, mental and physical way. Being jealous is a weakness that says, I am not happy with me, so I want you to make me happy. We all want to feel special, but that can never come from another person. Women who've had a lot of lovers, it's the same thing. They were all looking for something with the wrong mentality.

Cast aside her past, your past. Deal with you at the present. Ask yourself, how much stronger can I be?
And if that's hard?
Then chant Nam Myo-ho renge' kyo for the inner strength to manifest. It will.
B wolfe Profile
B wolfe answered
Hay buddy I know what you r feeling .look at first it depends on if you are just kissing other guys or if its been all the way ..in my case it was all the way and I wasnt told about number 2 until after I was married before then I though I was number 2 and I wasnt happy about that ,she was 20 when I met her so I thought that only 1 guy before me was pretty dam moral of her that I really respecked her for a lot concidering all the lose ,easy so afraid to be a virgin because its not cool or not popular ,,its sad that all the girls that got around because that was popular will  be hit with this same question from the guy that they been prayin for all thier lives the 1 that will love them the way everygirl whats .thats when it comes back to haunt them ,,then they have to answer to that [1]tell the truth or lie ..both will hurt them, the truth he may try to live with it and say I'm a man and I can take it .but right from the begining he will not think the world of you ,he will love you but it will dig little by little he start asking you questions like iam I the best kisser or am I the best lover .what did the other guy do to you, then one day hell look at your lips your mouth and then wonder ,dam do I want to kiss a mouth that had some guy or guys tunge or the other guy stuffs in and out of it .then it going to move to do I really want to kiss the other parts of her body. Also when the arguments start the names start words that hurts ..shell come back at you ,,yes the other guy was much bigger  or better in every way ,,we never did that stuff but we seen it ,its no matter what a realationship is what ever the 2 of you make it ..and if she lies in the begining ..and you find out and you will because it will eat at her soul ,,shes always worried espeialy around people she knows somes going hold it over her head and when you do find out you where lied to right from the start .so when did she ever tell the truth ,thats going to hurt ,from my own experance ..it crush my heart I would have bet my life that she was a good girl .a good girl ..iam a grown man and it still hurts me so bad tears r coming out off my eyes ..why did GOD want me to hurt so bad everything that I thought was r s the other guy that I did know about she was only with 5 times so I thought I was really the 6  timer only 5 times before me thats nothing so I thought we shared all the rest of al the innocents where ares r marriage was so pure ,sacred ,pure ,,iloved so much ,I found out that I was mister [how did she say it through the tears I was in gage to him for 3 years from 16 to 19 I was young and stupid and [I stop her and asked her so what number was I she said I don't know I screamed how many times a week she said I lived with him in r house allmost every night I guess.  I said your house .yes .I asked how old is this guy ,she turn and her friend who said out load over music to my wife not knowing I was behind her I can't believe brian never found out about you screwing that 6 foot 5 250 pound sleeze bag when you were 16 and a hundred pounds .my wife said shhh turning to tell her to shut her up..thats when she saw me standing right behind her friend ... I was walking over to get my love and bring her to the dance floor because I asked the dj to play r wedding song ..the party was for my wifes anaversarie present we were celabrateing r 20 th anaversary I couldnt  speak ijust looked at her ..the world I knew ended she walk over to touch me but I stopped her  .I havent touched her since that was a year ago to night ..happy anaversary .sorry for writeing al this ,,but this is real and the dishion you r trying to make could effect you for  the rest of your life ..this will get worse and worse until you both sit down and talk like adults have her read this and take it very serious .then she has to write down everything that happend in her past everything and each guy how far how many tims everything bjs ,,this is to her sweet heart you got to tell him everything everything if you want him to be able to real ax an get it all out or he will always be thinking about it all the time everytime he kisses you and I mean everytime ,,if you say you love this guy then do it it will be your writen statement to realive your self . Youl shead all you sins and anything you remmber with the other guy s replace through times with this guy ddont lie don't lie it will come back to ruin everthing that you love  good luck ....big brother
thanked the writer.
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
Ok, i am also in the same situation and yes it does eat away at you, the jealousy, the regret, the feeling like you lost something special between you and that person.

When you really think about it, if it is this hard on you that she has lost all these things that made her unique and special to you, eg her virginity. Then how must it feel to her that she gave it away to the wrong person. How much regret does she have?

Now be with her for who she is NOW, not what you thought she had to offer you. Its like old traditions where the family of the bride offers a goat up as a wedding gift. so if she has no goat to give does that mean shes anything different?

You love her for who she is NOW, not for who she was. yes she made mistakes, and maybe so have you but we all learn from our mistakes and we regret them but very little do people realize that our past, our mistakes and regrets are what make us for who we are now. To be honest if you were to go back in time and be her FIRST, maybe you might not have loved her the same way you do now because maybe she was a different person.

Her past experiences are what make her for who she is now, even regrets and mistakes. She is a totally different person now, if she didn't have a past like the one she had then she wouldn't be the same person she is today. All her experiences and the past events produce a final product and you can only have this final result if the past were to repeat itself and go through the same events that all of us regret occurring.

Def'n of Love - Unconditional Acceptance.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Just release her dude,and make your mind to do other good things,no drought  above all comments are good,but don't you think that  this is like a daises which will for whole life,
Don't trust on girls,they can easily create fake emotions on face. Be practical
if you think about love....I am sorry this is just a stupid emotion...you want to know about it ...just release her, with in a month time she will have another boy friend...take it positively,
**** see there lots of things in life to do,and keep it in your mind. Think before you love some one...where your partner from and what you know about her background,...

Just release her dude, first love first love...that every one has a great memories about it and know one forget this...it will make you mad...so find new one that you should know about the full back ground......
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I was feeling the same in all of my ex relationships. But with the new girl, I've madeup my mind not to ask and I never asked. But she keeps askin about my past and it has become the biggest problem with us. I am really tired of fighting to stop her questioning about my past but even today she is doing the same thing. It was my past and I can't change.  At that time, I didnt even know my girl friend exists. I believe in a strong relationship you should live in the present and plan your future together.. But she doesnt. Now, I have given up stopping her. I know I can not do anything for that and I am hurt a lot. Now I think we are breaking up for that.I think soon I will have to post "In the end- linkin park" on her facebook wall. But.. In my next affair, I will never ever tell her about my past. And I will not ask her about her past. Because its so stupid to feel bad about something happend before you've met each other.  This problem really sucks .. But, I believe you should be matured enough to stop asking your partner about your past. Because you want to feel that you are the first. But if its not, and she loves you  and honest, when you are askin that question, she can not lie, so she has to tell you the trueth. Which hurts you.. So.. Don't EVER DIG THE PAST.. Learn this lesson. But if you think some thing important is there for you to tell her in your past,,, tell only that.. Grow up..
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I am fighting this as hard as I can. Somedays I feel that it has been repressed and then it comes back and hits me so hard that I feel my heart weaken and my blood pressure rise. I don't even like to look at a calculator anymore because I think of her number! That is nuts! I must be crazy.

Yet I love my girl so much and I really love my kids. I feel so hopeless when this hits me and I have to summon all of the strength in my heart to not just drive away somewhere and never return. Why did I have to find her diary and photo albums? Why did she keep them for so long when there was a chance that I would find them?  It makes me want to vanish off the face of this earth, however I can't do that. I have obligations, responsibilities.

To make it worse, she won't even sleep with me much anymore because she is always so tired and seems to have lost interest in that part of life. Maybe I suck at it and the others were more exciting or risky?  I have the worst luck when it comes to the love department. When I was younger I never had much luck with women. Then I met her and she says she does love me and she gave me a chance for love. Suddenly I can't get over her past. What a bad deal I feel like I have been dealt!  I used to find joy in my marriage and my life despite all of the other problems that are in this world. Now I can't even smile because this has created a chip on my shoulder. It's not her fault. I wish I could show her the love she deserves for seeing something in me. Why did this have to be this way?

I haven't found any answer that works for me. I can't leave her, I can't release the feelings and now only medications are left for me to try. I hope they make me so numb that I don't feel the pain and hearthache anymore. But I am scared that if they make me that numb that I won't even be able to express any joy for my family anymore. I don't know. I hope you all find your salvation somehow. God has forsaken me in so many ways that I haven't even mentioned here. May god be with all of you. I know some of you will laugh, some will scold and some will ridicule those of us going through this. Maybe you are the ones who have some experience or a past and can't understand what this feels like. If I would have known that I would feel this way back in my past, I would have made it a life and death goal to sleep with more women before getting married. Now it's too late or I would be scum to hurt her.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Same situation, it just eats at my heart. For real man I'm a man and this is something that can make a man quiver. Its the most terrible pain to know the person you loved has shared what to me is everything, when she gave her virginity to another guy. Was with him for 3 years man, steady sex. Just kills me, and for months she had said she hated him regretted all of it but she went back talking to him and who knows what else.., I found out, I swear the worst pain I have ever felt, it broke my heart, yeah she came back but I would never be the same, trust was never an option again, she had said the same before. I had such a great problem dealing with her past with him and she went back. Can you believe that. But when she came back to me I took her as a fool. A fool caught in love, arent we all on here?  I was with her for a year with this constant pain trying to "get over" "forget" I couldnt even have sex with her or touch her in that kind of sensual way, it is august 22 almost a year and a month today and I have let the most beautiful thing in my life but most hurtful go...
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Ok-  I am the girlfriend,.  My boyfriend can't get over my past .. I am 27  and have not been with a lot of people.. I was however married and we share three childern.  My current bf I truely love. I am smiling now just thinking of him.  He asks constantly about my past ....  I understand where he is comming from but I don't want to waste all of our time now talking about things that no longer matter.  The only thing that matters to me now is him and me .... The only thing we ever argue about is me and my past or my failed marriage.  I was young and made a mistake and married young ...  I did not even know love like this existed. 

I am sure your gf feels the same way.  She loves you now...  And your wasting good moments wondering about things that truely don't exist anymore.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I'm dealing with this exact situation and really struggling to get past it. I refuse to give this girl up.

The things I've read here have really helped. You have my thanks.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I feel the same way, thinking about my gf in the past, doing things with other guys makes me feel sick and hurt its just  crazy, I don't know what to do.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Well,I m also going through the same situation...and I came to know this from her ex boyfriend..I was completely shocked...I did not have a slightest of hint about what to do..from the day I met her there has not been a second I have not thought about her...and now I find out that I m number 2...it hurts...it really does !!!
  I couldnt afford to loose her so I gave her a second chance...on one of our date we only talked about her past...she told me every single thing...I previously knew them...but I wanted her to say the truth...!!!
  I know it feels bad when you kiss her and think that there was another guy who did the same with her...you feel like crying if you really love her...but if you really do love her you have to get over her past...but confirm that she loves you...there are many ways...like ask for her private pics...and please avoid talking about her past...because it hurts her 10 times over...maybe this situation arose to test your...maybe its all mighty's way to test your love...accept her as she is....best of luck !
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Hey, I'm the guest with the storey that's:

"I'm going through this currently, and I came here to find an answer, but alas I didn't.  I'm going to try to be as specific as possible with this comment, and hopefully someone can help or give thoughts..."

anyways, to the guest above me, you shouldn't be pushing the subject, because it appears that she's self conscious about what people think about her, and since you assumed she did more, it probably means you thought she was slutty, which hurt her.  Just be happy you're her real first for everything, because no one can take that away from you =)  If it still bothers you that much just talk to her after a while about it, ask her for the full truth, and hopefully she isn't lying about it all.  Give it time, since she's with you and you're happy =)

Update on my situation.  So I talked to my gf about the pictures and how they hurt.  I told her that I will try to change my thinking because if not, I usually find a quick fix (break away from the source, ie break up with her).  She ended up deleting all her past pictures, and turns out she really didn't do too much with her ex's.  I don't think about it too much now, as she does make me happy.  I'm glad I'm able to let it go, because if not, I would be single again heh.

So I guess it just comes down to being honest and talking to your gf (or bf) about how it hurts you.  It's the only way to get somewhere in our battle against our lover's pasts.

I hope this helps you guys =)
eve zulo Profile
eve zulo answered
Hi, I am going through a similar situation but I am the girl with the past. My boyfriend whom I love was a virgin before me. He had kissed and had blow jobs from other girls who he was not in a relationship with but never sex. He is a great guy and I can get over him being with other girls, but I have a past that includes sex with other people. I have only been with 3 other people. I wanted to know a few things. Like when we talked about who I had been with and how many times in the beginning of our relationship I paniced and just through out a number, but as I thought about it one night the number I had told him was false. I told him 3 people which was correct, but I said 20 something with one, eight with another, and one with the last. But those numbers are not accurate and it is killing me, I want to tell him but I am afraid he will think I am just making it up or lieing to make it sound better. I do not even know if less with the same amount of people would make it better. The true numbers are 4, 2, and 1. It may seem dumb to get such small numbers mixed with larger numbers but I was paniced and I had never thought to much about it honestly. I positivly hate the guys in my past, there just shitty people. So should I tell him the true number, does it matter to him? I think coming from a guy who feels the same as he does would be able to tell me more accuratly. Also he is having the same feelings as described above by so many men. He knows of my past and he says it drives him mad all the time..He says when I am with him it is better, but when I leave his house he thinks about it. I am ever so sorry for having a past period. I should have never been with anyone before I was ready to get married. But I lived a lonely life, and well being with ppl did not make it any better just worse. My boyfriend is 21 and I am 19. He says he forgives me but the thoughts will not leave his head, I feel so bad for him. He deserves the best, will the thoughts ever decrease? I honestly think that people who deal with this and get married, and have kids it will get better. I think the girl just has to prove to the guy that she is sorry and that he is the only person she does want to be with, but I think that all takes time. I love him so very much, and I do not want to lose him. Is there anything I can do to make anything better for him. We have talked about his feelings and everything, we are a very open couple with one another, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he can not stop thinking about it, he says it keeps him up at night. Will it get better, does anyone know.. Thank you
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Dude I'm going through the same exact thing. Everytime I try to get over it it seems to come back stronger. I always get told by friends and her that It wasn't personal (even though I know who the people are, friends actually) and that I should get over it. It hurts me too dude and nothing anyone says helps. I'm sorry but I can't really help but I'm glad I actually found someone else who has the same problem..
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Well I have to tell you all.Its going to bug you for a while. You have two choices let it take its course and get over it or end it. I'm in the same situation as most of you me being a virgin and her not. I hope somebody finds a logical idea because I want to keep her.
Amy Shlomo Profile
Amy Shlomo answered
Hey, so I'm in the same situation except that I'm the girl. I am my boyfriend's first everything except kiss and although I am his first time in regards to sex, he is not my first boyfriend and therefore he is not the only one to have had his hands somewhere on me. He knows I really love him, I've never cared about anyone like I care about him, I've never loved anyone else and that's why I gave myself to him and he knows that. But I think he's just not okay that I have a slight history when he doesn't. He knows I feel horrible about everything I did (and trust me, to all you  guys out there, if the girl really loves you she regrets EVERYTHING she did before you whether or not she liked the guy at the time). But I don't know how to help him get over it.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I feel you, and like many I have and had the same problem. I pushed away a couple girls because of it, and never wanted another girl until I met my current gf, and to be honest I couldn't have walked into a worse situation for my insecurities. She the best thing to ever happen to me, but she's been with a lot of guys, and has two kids from 2 different guys. The funny part is I don't care about the kids part so much, as a matter of fact I love the kids as if they were my own. My main problem is that when we first talked she came across very aggressive so I took it as she was guna be an easy bag and tag, which it was, but for some reason I saw something in her...her eyes just about said to me "please be different from all the other scum bags I've met." Ironicly we discovered our love for each other when she let a former hook-up she had live with her after he was kicked out of his house. I tried to leave but she begged me not to leave her. Somehow I pulled myself together and we got thru that rough part....Well sorta. He left after a month, but it still hurts me. He may have left, and she swears nothing happened between them but a part of me does not believe her. She has been nothing less than a miracle in my life, but I still can't help and dwell on some of the stories she shared with me, and of course her in-prompt-to roommate. Sometimes I feel she is better off without my insecurites, but I also fear if I leave she will go back to her old ways of picking up random guys and having her way with them. I always ask "why me out of everyone else.", unfortunatly I can't answer that. The person I met 6 months ago, is not the same person I know now, and thats a good thing. I hated the fact she had no respect for herself, but it seems I may have made a change in her life, which makes no sense how I could do anything like that. I hope that I can get over my problem and be the man she needs. I hope to one day have a family with her, but also realize the chances of a relationship working forever is very slim, especially with my problems, but hoping never hurt anybody.
justin trust Profile
justin trust answered
If she can admit to sex, what else she is not saying?? Honesty is key like all of you said. What I think hurts you most is the fact that she had sex was and moaning in delight. Yeah that hurts. Secondly the thought that you kept yourself while she was getting laid kills as well. I will advise you not to ask for details. Let her tell you everything but not the details. Let her tell you the name, the duration of the relationship the place and why it didn't work. Don't ask for how many times she got laid or whether they live together what were their favorite positions that hurts terribly. She should understand it takes time to get over these things. I disagree with who says past is the past. Some thing from the past HUNTS this is one of them! I feel you bro that feelings sucks. I hope you guys make it but I won't be surprised if you guys break up. Trust me I've been there.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I'm in a similar situation.. I know I'm being irrational and to be honest we haven't really argued or spoke about it much but it bugs me. Basically, we were each other's first sexual experiences.. We were friends before going out and had previously spoken about our previous relationships before going out. The problem is, well, during the time in which we we're just friends, we always liked each other but yeah... After asking her and I admit looking back I was a bit pushy and pressing for juicy answers...and she gave them... Basically she said the furthest she'd got was being 'licked out' by a guy, and I accepted this and didn't even really think about it when we got into a relationship, the way I saw it, we were each others first's and what was her past was the past.

Recently however, we got onto the topic and she told me that she made up the whole thing and in fact the most she'd done with a guy was kiss him and nothing more, In a way I'm happy because other than kissing we're each others first's for everything... But now I feel lied to... She is the most trustworthy person in the world and I love her... But I just can't get it out of my head now wondering if maybe she's lied about other stuff or something... And now I'm curious and asking about her past... Which she then gets upset about and gets mad at me because she feels stupid about making out something that didn't happen... She says she made it up because I wouldn't shut up saying that she must have done more than kiss a guy.. So she made up that she had been licked out :=/    any ideas? The fact is other than kissing there isn't much of a past for my girlfriend... Its the fact now she's admitted she lied about doing more with a guy than she actually had done... I feel that I should be happy if anything and a part of me does, but I also feel lied to which is making me curious and wondering if she's saying it in an attempt to make me feel good, or covering up more than she has done? Lied about anything else?.... I do trust her but... You know? Tips?
thanked the writer.
Amy Shlomo
Amy Shlomo commented
I think that, you should believe her most recent answer. She obviously cares about you now more than then even if she did like you back then. And you need to remember that. Her lying back then shouldn't affect it now (unless she's admitted to lying about other things which I'm assuming she hasn't) because she is with you NOW. You definitely need to stop asking her about it and especially if it's the same questions over and over again, you need to swallow it up and not ask because it'll just make
Amy Shlomo
Amy Shlomo commented
Her feel like you don't trust her. Which is the worst thing in the world so don't do that.
Adam Hu Profile
Adam Hu answered
I'm going through the same thing...She told me she has all of these sports jerseys like the one I bought for her and it immediately made me think of all her ex boyfriends giving her jerseys..
I know that my feelings aren't valid concerns...I have a past, she has a past, neither one of us did anything wrong..You have to kiss a few frogs in order to find your prince/princess. She is with me and not these past guys. I can't help these feelings of jealousy..but I can keep myself from acting on them and hurting the relationship. Go see a counselor because the issues are your and not hers.
What would help is some sort of technique to not let these useless feelings bother you. I think these feelings will fade over time like other people have mentioned..So it's just a matter of disipline.
rtjeeva Profile
rtjeeva answered
Dear friend, you say that you love her so much. Then express your love matter with her. If you are real lover,then you should never go back of her. But you should live in such a way that she should come back of you for everything. she should feel surprised to see your way of living. she should want feel proud to live with you or talk to you.

One more never express your inferiority/problems with her. if she really loves you then she will obviously try to find your problems with remedies. of course "why do you want to know about her past days if you are true lover?"
Keith Miller Profile
Keith Miller answered
I am a little older. If my GF doesnt have a past I would be upset. Supose she slept with 100 guys before you. Is she worth your time? The number is not as important as the honesty. If she tells you You are very lucky. Can you imagine how hard it is for her? She was looking for you all along and didn't know it until you came into her life.  Her past is what makes her who she is today. Don't you see her as to where she can be. How great she is for you? How great you are together? You are the one she choose to work on a relationship! Ask IF YOU ARE WORTH HER? Perhaps you don't know a good thing when it is standing in front of you. HAVE THE TALK!! GET ALL THE PAST OUT OF THE WAY AND LOOK TO THE FUTURE! YOUR EITHER A MAN OR A LITTLE BOY ONLY YOUR ACTIONS WILL TELL  DO YOU THINK SHE IS DAMAGED GOODS? IF SO YOUR DONE BEFORE YOU START!  PREPARE TO BE ALONE AS NOT MANY WOMEN HAVE NO SEXUAL PAST!  THERE ARE A FEW! I BELIEVE THAT ONCE MY PARTNER SHARES WITH ME ALL OF HER PAST I PUT HER BACK ON THE PEDISTAL AS MY PURE PARTNER! SHE DESERVES THAT AS SHE JUST POURED OUT HER SECRETS TO ME. SHE IS AS PURE AS SHE CAN BE FOR ME AND I LOVE HER FOR IT. I GUARANTEE PART OF HER WAS NEVER GIVEN TO ANYONE BEFORE AND ONCE SHE KNOWS YOU ARE FULLY HERS SHE WILL GIVE YOU ALL OF HER. THATS WHEN YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO LEAVE NO MATTER WHAT!  I HOPE THIS HELPS SOME OF YOU
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Tell he what she did before she had you what made her dump her previous boyfriend and tell her its not because you don't love her its so that you don't make the same mistake
matt portwood Profile
matt portwood answered
Hey I'm just wondering, why do you care what she did before you were with her? Its not as if she cheated on you.  If you had sex with a woman before her, would you expect to go the rest of your life without dating anyone? Because you already hooked up with someone? No, its the past.  All that matters is who she is now. And to be honest, good job for being a virgin for such a long time you must be very spiritual. Most ppl cannot go so long so good job.  Also, I have to say, being with three people is not much.  The average number of people that individuals have sex with in a lifetime is greater than ten.  Even twenty in some cases.  So to be honest, I think it is kind of mean of you to keep badgering her over something she did before she met you.  IF you LOVE her , as you claim to, then you need to let the past be in the past.  Now, if she is doing "strange" things that make you question your trust for her, than that is a different matter.  But if you trust her and she is giving you no reason to question her motives, then you need to let it go.  There is nothing wrong with asking someone about their past once or twice or talking about something like a childhood memory, but going on and on and on about what someone did before they were with you is rude.  And I know you are not trying to come off that way, but it sounds like you are insecure about yourself.  IF you werent you wouldnt be freaking out over this.  I have to say that you are lucky that she even told you all those details, most people would not, nor should they as that is not your business.  YOu have the right to ask her to get tested for STD's before having sex, but not to ask her "WHO WHAT WHERE AND HOW HARD"  my advice, "LET IT GO."  IF not, you will alienate her and drive her away.  Plus, if you are spiritual or religious as I gather you are, you would know then that only God may judge you, and some of the closest deciples of christ were great sinners.  Just enjoy your relationship dude.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I want to ask something
I love a boy sooo much and he don't now
I don't want him to now but I want him to love me
he love another girl
and I don't talk to him
plzzzzz help me
I think I am going to explode
Toy Lim Profile
Toy Lim answered
I read everything here and actually found what I was looking for,
Like many others I myself have a similar situation with most of the guys here.
I lost my first to my girlfriend, but she lost her first to a previous relationship.
Honestly I didn't care at first because I was just curious and never thought I'd end up loving her so much. But after I actually feel deep in love with her,
her past bites me where it hurts, I start imagining the scenes with her and her ex, regarding the wild stories she told me. I just couldn't get it out of my head, and it really affected the way I acted, the way I felt towards her.
Nothing felt the same again.
I talked with her about it knowing it's the past and I can't change it no matter how hard I wanted to, but I just wanted her to know how I was feeling, saying it really bothers me a lot and it's keeping me up every night and how I'd try to change my train of thought.
But I honestly can't. It's not something you can just magically forget because this girl I love has been de-flowered by some random dude who was a mistake. I just can't help thinking, if I really love her, and give her my heart, she will become my first, and my last. But for her I'm just her last, that hurts for a guy who saves his virginity for a girl, and knowing I won't be able to taste breaking a virginity, I went through hell because, I know I'll probably never find someone who I can love like I did to her if I let her go.
So I started looking for answers, and here I found something to help me keep a positive mindset.
"Finding a virgin who you LOVE nowadays is almost astronomical"
If you start reasoning with yourself you will actually think this is quite true, in this generation where girls start having sex as early as 14 years old, yea I made my point.
So I came up with my own philosophy,
"Finding a virgin who you LOVE nowadays is almost astronomical.
But to find someone who can return the love you give to her,
It's a miracle."
Hope my thoughts can help those suffering the same situation.
-Toy
jum po Profile
jum po answered
Wow...

Guys, this is exactly how I'm feeling right now. Moreover, I'm asian which is more close minded than you guys probably are. I feel so devastated right now. I feel like drinking alcohol because this jealuosy is too much to be true.
Anony Mous Profile
Anony Mous answered
Wow, I thought it was only me that this was happening to. Its heartening to hear that I'm not alone. Although I guess my situation is a little different in that I have never been bothered before that a girlfriend has ex boyfriends but my current situation is driving me crazy.
I met my current girlfriend on a dating site about 18 months ago, we hit it off almost immediately and began texting every day. We met after about a month and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. She told me upfront that she wanted to be 100% honest from the start so she told me she had 4 lovers before me, 2 long term boyfriends, 1 husband and a one night fling during the breakdown of the relationship with her last boyfriend. The fling was with a fella much younger than her and she said they had almost immediately regretted it and that one night stands were just horrible, not only that but she had found sleeping with a much younger guy a bit creepy and not something she would like to repeat. She justified the fact that she was still with her previous boyfriend in that he ignored her pretty much of the time and she wanted to force a reaction from him. I accepted all this although I thought it was a little strange as ex's were from the past and should stay there, discussed, if at all, with only the sketchiest of detail. But I did appreciate her honesty.
A few months in, after a few too many wines at lunchtime, she let slip that there had been another one night stand (again during the breakdown of the relationship with her last botfriend) and when pressed admitted to yet another one (after the breakup). I got pretty upset about this, she was the one that wanted to be 100% honest but it appeared her honesty was selective.
Anyway we got over that and things settled down. A while later her previous boyfriend started to text her asking her to get in touch, she said she wanted nothing to do with him and refused to answer his messages. However he was due to appear in court and threatened to subpeona her as a witness so I started to act as a gobetween, forwarding messages and replies. In the end she did not have to appear and just submitted a statement. On the night before the court appearence about midnight I received a saucy text from her with an explicit video attached. This was not all that unusual as there was quite a sistance between us and we occassionally indulged in a little text sex. However this just appeared out of the blue, she had text me about 10 oclock to say she was tired and was going to bed so I thought it unusual with no text build up to it. However I text her back approvingly. About 30 minutes later a video clip arrived in the inbox of the mail account I had been using to gobetween her and her ex. It was a clip of him naked and masturbating. Then the penny dropped, she had been sex texting her ex and the video clip had been intended for him.
The next day I went round to her house and said have you heard anything from your ex, nothing she replied, I pressed her on it but she stood firm that she hadnt heard anything. Every few minutes her text would go and she would turn the phone out of sight so I couldnt see (obviously her ex) eventually I confroonted her with it and she denied everything but slowly she started to reveal what had happened, she said there was no sex texting, the video was intended for me and she had no idea why he would have sent his video clip, other than possibly to try and split us up. But she had been texting him, just about the case and how things were going generally. This alone was enough to make me explode but she begged me not to leave her, she swore on her daughters life that she had not sent him her video clip and she changed her phone number and email address so he could never contact her again. It took a while but we talked it through and things settled down again. But mentally I couldnt leave it, I had to find out what really went on that night. I'm not proud that I looked at her phone, she had deleted the messages anyway but when she asked me to fix her computer I took a copy of the backup files of her phone and examined them later to see if I could find out what had really gone on that night. I couldnt find anything for that night BUT I was shocked to find plenty more. I had always assumed her one night stands had involved a little too much drink and being taken advantage of by an over enthusiastic chap. Wrong !! Her so called one night fling had started at a party during which time she had followed the guy into the gents toilets and was kissing etc with him in the toilets. The next day she started texting him asking if she could come round to his for sex, which she did, she then text him for months trying to get him to stay the weekend in a hotel with her (no strings) or come and visit her at home. Hardly the actions of someone who found it a little weird. The other one night stand was a friend of her boyfriend. She met him when she was out with her boyfriend, got his number from her boyfriends phone and started texting him. She then met him in the beer garden of a pub and went home with him. She then text him a few days later for a repeat. There were also texts to anoth guy who she firted with and wanted to meet him at his place but he declined (presumably she would have slept with him as well). It was pretty disturbing reading and something I'm not proud of. I did confront her with it but she said her last boyfriend mistreated her to the extent she was on incedibly strong anti depressants (which I know is true) she was drinking like it was going out of fashion and was verging on mental illness. She says she is a million miles away from the person she was then but how can I ever be sure of that.
The final act in this tradegy is her father. Her father has a habit of letting himself into her house when she is alone first thing in the morning and still in bed. He comes up the stairs and just walks into the bedroom to talk to her. She is 35 years old and usually sleeps nude. I find this totally unacceptable but she says she has always managed to make sure she is under the covers before he bursts in (although I guess the times she was asleep and he walked in she doesnt know about). Whilst I was uneasy about this I just put it down to him being an old letch. However I was looking at her browser history recently (yep I'm reduced to that) and noticed she had accessed an erotic story site, I wasnt bothered about this as she had told me about it ages ago, however the stories she was reading were nearly all associated with incest, the one at the top of the list was called Daddy and his daughter !!! Now I have major concerns that she not only fantasises about her father but maybe on one of his morning visits she has been naked on purpose and who knows what has occurred.
So do I win ?? Do I have the most messed up relationship ?? Hopefully for those of you that have concerns about your ladies past you will feel you have a little less to worry about than certain others. It has turned me into a suspicious wreck, I check her computer, I check her texts, I doubt what she tells me and I know I should just finish with her and run as far as I can. But she has a vulnerable beautiful side that I have fallen in love with and breaking away is very difficult. I try to leave the past in the past but people never really change and the obvious concern is that history will repeat itself or in the case of her father my suspicions are correct.
stefan richards Profile
stefan richards answered

Hi, I am in the same situation and it helps to know that I'm not the only one. I am not a virgin and have actually been with more people than my fiancee, she had been with 5 before me. But has been married twice before and has had kids. She is a lot older then me (16 years) and her kids are grown up now. I'm lucky in a lot of respects because her kids real dad is far away from the picture.
It gets better with time, its basically a jealousy thing and now she has been sterilized and can't have kids. This is fine for me because I have never wanted kids, but I find what grinds me is the feeling someone had something and got closer than I will ever be able to get.
I speak about my feelings a lot with her and she is very understanding. So we just don't discuss ex's, sometimes the kids will look at old pictures with an ex in and post it on facebook. Its very rare they do that and we discussed this only 5 minutes ago that they didn't mean to and with the relationship I have with my soon to be step kids I can safely say with a show of a doubt that they really didn't mean to.
I was explaining to them a few minutes ago I understand they didn't mean to but when I see a pic with an ex in, it feels like daggers in me.
My fiancee tells me there all failed in if she new me back then it would be different, I believe her on this because she wouldn't be with me now and still with an ex if this wasn't the case. She also tells me on several occasions she loves me more than anyone in her past. She says she was just led on with them.
My soon to be step son is the only one in contact with there dad and very loosely on facebook. I asked my fiancee would block her ex by going though her son's facebook so he can't spy, she did straight away. She still has wedding pics from her last marriage, I asked her to bin the ones of just him and her, she said she will (and she means what she says) so I can't grumble at that.
It sounds like I'm being possessive and I feel like I am myself, but I know I'm not, it just hurts me to think of them and can't switch my mind off.
The fact that the kids understand and that my fiancee understands helps and that's all through constructive talking about it.
She my have been married before, she may have had kids, (if she knew I was coming along she would have had kids with me she tells me) she may have loves before (as she says THOUGHT it was love till she met me) but one thing that ex's will never never beat on me is that I will be wither and know her better than anyone else as time goes by because I will out live them relationship wise by far. 56 years the longest relationship she had, 2 years to go and my jealousy will be completely over, and as I spend the rest of my life with her... No-one could ever beat that one!

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I'm going through something similar.. Some of your stories are far worse than mine.. My girlfriend is 17... She had sex with a guy just to lose her "v card"... The guy liked her and she had 0 feelings for him.. I'm trying to get over this past.. Counting on the fact I lost my v to her. I can't stop imagining the guy enjoying every minute of that time.. I know shes mine now which makes me so happy, but I'm struggling to let go.. I always think.. And tell her.. That I'm sorry.. I'm focusing so much on the past that I might lose my future with her.. I'm in love with her truly.. I need help to pass through this problem.. I know she regrets it and it hurts her also, but I love her and I need to get past this because I'd never give up on her. She also drinks and party's a lot which scares me... Someone please give me tips thank you.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

If you're past your teens everyone has a past of some sort.

I always say "don't ask, don't tell." The one important question I have for a woman if I am planning on being intimate with her is: "Have you ever had an STD, and do you have one now?"

While dating I try to find out if she is like me. That is, is she discriminating in finding a partner? I don't want to sleep with a woman until I have some sense she is right for me and relationship material. I want a woman who has the same view—not one who jumps into bed right away with guys.

Don't search your gf's bedroom looking for clues about her past. Don't ask questions you don't want answers to.
Don't talk about your past so she feels the need to share hers.

Jordan Joubert Profile
Jordan Joubert answered

Well I'm in the same boat as you pal except my girlfriend is a virgin. What she did was she used to send pictures of herself to other guys and she dated multiple ones at once about 4 at once. She kissed guys and she took of her clothes and let them kiss her all over her upper body, and all. This is what I had to find out and she lied to me about it. Eventually she confessed but whether she told me everything I don't know. She was my first girlfriend who I decided to go deeper with. I did not think she had done anything of the sort. So she took my first kiss and when I had found out all of this and the fact that she lied to me about it, it  devastated me. I kept on thinking that she will cheat on me and I still do. Then I wondered what it must feel like to do stuff with other people. 

Now I'm a Christian. If I knew about her past in the beginning I wouldn't have given her a second look. Eventually I kept on wondering about the kissing, so eventually I cheated and when I did kiss another girl I felt better because I know what it felt like although it was one time only. I have been with her for one year almost. I told her about what I did. I still want to involve myself with other woman because if I get myself a past I don't have to worry about hers and I told her this but she doesn't like it and if can't do anything to get my past I know I will leave her as I'm trying to now, because I know I won't live with her past. 

After the kiss with another girl I stopped thinking about what it felt like, it kind of eased me off. It makes the thought of her kissing other guys less painful but still very painful. I feel that if I involve myself with other woman I'll be able to handle all that she has done.  And instead of thinking about her past I can think of my own.
PS I'm a virgin too of course. I know it's not as serious as yours but you slept with her already, kinda dumb don't you think? All you need to do is even the odds. I think that you will feel better. I do not regret cheating on my girlfriend but I don't like the fact I did because for me when you get into a relationship its something you keep for eternity. Only you and her involved from the beginning to the end. No 1 else. No past nothing. But I was lied to and blind sited and all of that. To me if you do something with someone it's the same as doing it with them everyday.

TONY C Profile
TONY C answered
I have the same problem my gf has had 3 bfs before me...she is my first gf..I'm already a really jealous person to begin with..so it hurts me when she talks about the things she has done in the past...
Rhiannon-Seonaid Marshall Profile
I was excatly like your girlfriend. I think the best way to get rid of the weird feeling is to try and put it to the back of your or try and forget about it.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

Try something new with her. Do some role-play. Do something that she has not done with any guy in any way. Please GUYS, BE A MAN and TELL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS TO DELETE THOSE PHOTOS AND VIDEO OR YOUR LEAVING HER. . . . If she make a big deal out of it. You know then she still loving/liking guy. She can't Let go. Make Her Pick. If she can't pick within 20 sec or less. LEAVE HER. Seriously Why would a girl have photos of her ex-bf after this long. Prftt Be a MAN and Put her in her place. ( please don't use your fist to do this )

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
You love her so much then tell her just forget he past and move on with the future. Ive gone thru the same thing and it hurts but its the truth. Yuu love her some much don't Yuu then tell her bro tell her how much Yuu do. And maybe she loves Yuu the same way Yuu love her
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Dear friend if you don't want to hurt her or  you don't want to hurt yourself then don't think about.  Get over it now. Ill been though the same thing so get over it . And live a happy life.
Lenalee Lee Profile
Lenalee Lee answered
If you love her, I think you shouldn't talk about the stuff in the past, since it hurts the both of your feelings. Just live your life with her, and have fun with her so that you two will have a stronger bond.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Firstly its obvious that you may get jealous. But you forgo such trivial jealousy and cherish what you two have right now. It may suck to hear that she already had 6 bfs. But that was her past and its not that she is cheating with you.
kyoji rayz Nishitani Profile
Don't overthink it too much.
Just remember that they're the reason you two are together now.
They weren't good enough for her when they were together.
Prove yourself that you're the one & you're worth her time than the others
Than to add your self as her past boyfriends.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
You need to realize that that was before she even knew you existed. I understand how you feel. I know it hurts and it bothers your daily routine. Tbh, I felt like I was a 2nd hand boyfriend, not her true love, not her first one. But when you be more mature about it, an discuss it with her in a more maturely, you will find comfort. Just remember that WAS HER PAST. If you really do love her like you say you do, you should love her, which means, accept her for everything she has done to become the person you love so dearly today.

How did you find out?
If she suddenly told you, she is quite stupid for saying that (no offence) or maybe wanted to be more open. You should talk to her and find out what is the real cause.

But if you asked her, means you are stupid (again, no offence :P)  because you should have been ready for any coming answer and understand.

There is a preacher who married an ex prostitute that repented of her sins. If you love her, accept her for who she is now, not who she was before.
haley fiers Profile
haley fiers answered
Well that was her past and you have to look at her in the eye and you will know what she is sayin! And what iam hearing...you should not be jealous because she is not doin anything and know it all bout relationships!so don't be jealous because those men in her past are gone(you know just frends) but it is ok!!!
Forget Me Profile
Forget Me answered
Great.... Thought I'm the only in these situation. I'm married for 7 yrs with the gf who became my wife... Had many questions about her... Lies, love, everything that came to your mind...she was my greatest happiness and torturer. Depends on my mindset after all these years. I mean we had ups and down... But if I were to change my life, that is not married (I'm a catholic) I'd jump ship, maybe for a while, away from her, there are lots of women out there who is for you. My point is, if there is something bugging you now, and you know it's bothering you, any doubts, it would be still in your mind or thoughts in the future and until we die. Don't lie to yourself. If pursue your current love, I still believe in being truthful about yours and her past, to avoid questions surprises in the future - good or bad info for us. Its very importmant, that at least she may be not the perfect girl, but she could be trusted, which much important to me, than me feeling the wonderful feeling of being in love or the idea of in love which fades in time after the excitement. Coz true love is not what we see in the movies, but accepting, respecting, commiting to an imperfect person like us... But really, its hard to love or get along a deceptive person. Or maybe uncooperative one. It's selfish - which is the opposite of loving, Unless If its ok with you to have 1 way love affair.:-)
.
Hoping just better life for my 3 kids.

I still love my wife, she does not have any idea how much I loved her. But her deception is killing me. I'm in the process of giving her another chance, I'm not saying she change her past, but just to be honest. My problem is - I'm too committed when I went to the altar to make my vows. As I said before being truthful and honest with your partner is important to me.

Too mch for being a hero hahaha.

Is this true love or am I just a dumb kid.

Forgive me coz I got carried away. But Thats how I see it, I maybe wrong. Correct me. I'm open to all.
The choice is yours, you know yourself better than I do. Just an opinion based on what I had gone through.
kanta sutton Profile
kanta sutton answered
The boyfriends were in her past. They will always be in the past. You can't hold this fact against her. Maybe some people try to find love and some people can have 50 odd relationships till the right one comes along. Have faith in her or you will loose her.
someone never forgot Profile
Break up with her, coz you will never forget and you will make her life miserable and your life as well. Don't waste your time you will never forget. But the question is from where you will find another girl who you love and who she loves you and without any past. I think it's a difficult equation. And it's not logicaly to marry girl just because she didn't sleep with someone before you.
In my opinion any girl has more than one bf before she get married, she is not the one who you should love.
I know I was very aggressive, but I am sure that anyone who says " I forgot" he laughs at himself.

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