Anonymous

I Still Love The Person Who Hurt Me?

2 Answers

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Well, sometimes that happens. Emotions have many layers and that is why at times, it is important to really think about these issues. It is good to take a step back from the situation to clearly see what is the best solution for you. This is an exercise that I use: I imagine that a friend of mine is experiencing my situation and they call me up and ask for advice...so basically I am asking myself "how would I advise someone to handle the situation, if I were not the one in the situation?" It helps, because I find that we often know what the right thing to do is...admitting it is the hard part.
StormGirl Blue Profile
StormGirl Blue answered
There isn’t any information here so that I could specifically
address where the problem here for you is or provide detailed steps to moving
on, so please forgive my brief generalizations here.

Let’s begin with
understanding that we do not have an “off” switch, BUT we do have the power of control
and the will to give that control only to someone that can be trusted with it.
The one person you should always trust is you.
You entrusted him with some control of your emotions but he abused that
trust, so now you have to take back that control complete, now is the time to
make a conscious choice of how you allow him to make you feel. Choose not to
allow him to direct your emotions, and take back to responsibility to yourself.

The end of
relationships follows the grieving process that all endings begin with. Basically as when someone passes over there
are certain routines, habits and triggers that don’t have a place any longer.
You need to fill these gaps with alternatives. Routines of things you did
together need to be replaced during this transition time, habits that were
formed, need to be unlearned; in the case of a relationship ending this
includes the habit of loving and giving with this particular person. During the
healing process there will be voids created as you slowly shed these things, I recommend
replacing these things to fill the void.

Use this extra love
on you especially and some for the friends and family that love you. Love you
and them more with what you have left over, instead of keeping that as his/hers
alone. Create fun times and memories that don’t include him/her, go to new
places take up new hobbies and do at least one of the things for yourself that
you always said you wanted to do.

Now healing is a process that does take time, and it is
difficult. That it doesn’t happen right away for you please don’t get
frustrated and confused, or think that there must be something wrong with you
that your not over him/her already. Be kind to yourself, let it happen slowly,
and forgive yourself for not bouncing back like a yo-yo, its normal that the transition
is going to be difficult. BUT please do try some of what I have already recommended
to fill the voids that are a little like open wounds at the moment. Even small
things are like Band-Aids that help the healing a little by covering open
wounds.





That your
frustrations right now seems to be extending from the fact that you don’t understand
why you still have feelings for the one that has hurt you I have attempted to
provide some possible explanation. Keep
in mind that these explanations may or may not be you, I can’t tell you why
without knowing the details of your particular relationship or the events that
have come to this, even your own growing up may hold a clue.

That this person has hurt you, you are feeling rejected and
worthless. You will hold on there seeking for them to counter that with
something, to take it back they are the one that created these feelings in you
and you need them to take it back, or do anything that will show you that you
are a worthy person, that you are a beautiful soul. I refer back to taking control.
You need to stop needing this person to validate you. You need to take this responsibility
to yourself, they are not worthy of this amazing gift, but you are. You need to
let you know how wonderful you are, this is your place now.

People who had
experienced difficult childhoods are typically most at risk of these feelings
following a relationship breakdown. Without going into details, often rejection
and pain had been the results of a parent’s treatment to them when growing up,
or perhaps fake friends, school yard bullies. In a sense an incompatible
partner is a reflection of the relationships they have known in the past, and
this has created a situation where accepting of less than ideal treatment as being the result of something “I have done”,
or “who I am” they take the blame onto themselves, because this is the “habit”
that was formed in childhood.

This return back to
my previous point when I mentioned a need to feel validated by the one that hurt
you. You need to validate yourself, you
need to praise and be kind to yourself, and learn to love you above all else. This
is not something that we should trust omeone one else to do. We have the
absolute control in choosing who can and cannot do this for us, so now at
tistime, you must choose to do this for yourself.

Now when I say you
need to take responsibility for how you allow them to make you feel I need to
stress that I do not mean responsibility to equal blame. These are two very
different things. Blame is given reason.

You are not now ever
were or ever will be a reason for someone to have treated you bad. I only refer
to adult children so that you may understand the philosophy behind loving
someone who has hurt you a little better. If you do see yourself as the adult
child here, your healing will need to begin with addressing the feelings of
yester-year, more or less taking a step further away, dealing with that and
then moving into the transition of healing through this a little smoother, like
opening a door and clearing the mess away before taking the step.

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