My Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Is In Jail Because He Tried To Kill Me. It's Been A Few Weeks Now, And I'm Starting To Miss Him. How Can I Get Over Him?


7 Answers

Yo Kass Profile
Yo Kass answered
I get that coming out of a relationship can be difficult, no matter what the circumstances are.

In fact, if there's violence involved, then there's even more reason to feel confused.

My suggestion is that you're going to need to work hard to get over him - having feelings for someone who has tried to kill you is just plain dangerous!

How to get over a violent ex

You won't believe how many women struggle to end their feelings for a violent man.

To people on the outside, it might seem like some sort of crazy, sadistic weakness - but the truth is that most women would struggle under such trying circumstances.

My opinion is that, as women, we can't help loving our man no matter how bad he is for us. It's simply the way we're wired!

Violent boyfriends

Let me tell you a little story that might help you come to terms with what you're feeling:

One of my best friends was involved in an abusive relationship. The violence had been going on for a few years, but for some reason she just kept going back to him.

It used to bring me to tears seeing what he was doing to her; but no matter how hard he beat her, she still came back.

She only managed to break away from him after he stabbed her in the leg with one of her stilettos!

Even to this day, she still talks about their relationship as if he was some sort of gentlemen with a slight temper (when in actual fact he was a psychopath!).

There's no easy way to get over a guy. That is the truth. But what you can do is surround yourself with support and move on:

  • Get your circle of girl friends around you
  • Don't be afraid to reach out to domestic violence support group
  • Don't wallow in the past, move on and look for a guy who really deserves you
adam odering Profile
adam odering answered
What I recommend is some self defence classes!

It will clear your mind and, also, if you come into another relationship similar to the last then you'll at least be able to protect yourself.

Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights!
Xal Xal Innes Profile
Xal Xal Innes answered

I would just relax, be glad and listen to your favourite music. Also try going out on a nice evening with your friends. 

Evan Andle Profile
Evan Andle answered

While Mark Pichler's answer and resource reference might be with good intent, I COMPLETELY disapprove of and adamantly disagree this one of his statements:  "Missing someone who is abusive to you is not very good judgement on your part."  That answer is disrespectful, condescending and shows his incompetence with understanding human nature.

HERE IS THE COMPETENT TRUTH: Both men and women have:

1)  What they like the idea of being attracted to. 

2)  What they are really attracted to.  Whether we like this attraction or not.

These can overlap, but are usually WAAAAAY different.

If someone identifies what REALLY attracts you and knows how to leverage it, you have no choice but to be attracted to them.  None.

What genuinely attracts us / REALLY 'turns us on' (not just sexually) is so deeply rooted in one's being, unconscious mind (which is 1000's times more powerful than our conscious, logic-based minds) and immersive to every part of our lives - your missing him is NOT bad judgement:  It's not a choice.  Accept and be at peace with it.

What IS in your control and IS a choice for you is what to do between now and when he gets out.  Here is my train of thought on a best path:

1)  Regardless of how you feel about him, decide, right now, if continuing a relationship with him is worth it to you.  Most will say "If he beats you GET OUT, RIGHT NOW!"  Sounds good, and makes the advice giver feel good about themself, but it's not that simple, is it?  So while he is away, decide.  Knowing that, in your own words, staying might get you killed

IF you decide it is NOT worth it to you, continue reading:

2) What the human mind focuses on grows.  So : Consciously choose to REPLACE (not deny) your cycles of missing him with attention placed on other areas of life that really turn you on.  The amplitude of his magnetic pull on you will probably never be removed, but it can go dormant.

* Exposure to what attracts us at a deep level (harmful or not) returns enormous power to that which has a lock on us.  A person, type of person, substance (Alcohol, Heroine, Cocaine, Sugary foods), experience (being adored by 1000's to an actor or musician).    So.....

* Do not communicate with him.  Remove all photos of him from your site.  Febreze anything that has his scent on it.  Especially the bed, clothing and car.

* Move.  Whether across town or across country.  Get out.

* Get a restraining order placed on him before he gets out.  They are easy to get and simple to fill out.

* If moving forward in life without him feels like an impossible, mapless, terrifying option - know that those paralyzing feelings are proof that he has an UNhealthy lock on you.  All the more reason to leave him behind.  AND KNOW THIS:  THOSE FEARS, while very real, are EMPTY.  They carry no truth.  You CAN move forward, live, prosper and find fun, love, joy, comfort, contentment, familiarity and feel 'at home', whole and at peace....without him.

FINAL NOTE:  Befriend and stay close with at least one self-reliant person and who cares about you.  Support groups are good, but many of the people you meet there will have similar weaknesses, thus reaffirming your addiction to him.  Find people who do NOT have that weakness.  Someone(s) who accept you that way, but will not commiserate with you and will give you adamant support and re-direction from NOT returning to being a slave to what has a lock on you.  With him or any other guy.

I wish you well.

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

I went through the same thing in 2012. My husband tried to kill me after beating me for 4 years and I finally left and went to the police. After I left him it was the hardest thing to get over him. I cried and cried for over a year and a half wondering if I could ever make my family work. I pushed myself to get over him I refrained from contacting him. I changed my phone number my email and my facebook. He had no idea where I was living and I tell you the out of sight out of mind worked so well. As long as I didn't hear his voice or look at his pictures I was okay. I will say I do have psychological issues now such as PSD, anxiety depression and I'm bipolar and I was never any of these before I met him, well maybe a little depressed but never any of the  others. See a psychiatrist to fin out if you suffer from the same and see a counselor to get feedback on how to deal with this. It will help I promise.

mark pichler Profile
mark pichler answered
Missing someone who is abusive to you is not very good judgement on your part.

Here is a link this is the starting point for you:

It is a 24-hours-a-day hotline for women.

It is important for you to look into getting a cell phone for yourself just in case this does happen again.

It should not. You should be out of the house by now!

The number you can call is 911.

Look into something called safelink: They give you 250 mins. Free every month, plus free texting.
The Government pays for the 250 mins.

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