Anonymous

I've discovered that my teenage daughter has been performing oral sex on her boyfriend while he watches porn. I don't want her to know that I have spy software on her laptop, but I want this pervert gone. How can I break them up?

10 Answers

Ancient Hippy Profile
Ancient Hippy answered

If it were me, I'd ground her and beat the living sh!* out of him.

Angela Anthony Profile
Angela Anthony answered

I'd tell her that the computer has that on there....she'll be mortified and hopefully won't be bringing you a bouncing baby anytime soon.

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Angela Anthony
Angela Anthony commented
I might just pull him aside....show him what evidence you have, and tell him THATS MY DAUGHTER you're doing that with.....tell him to quietly leave and never return if he wants to keep that third leg.
Todd Hibbert
Todd Hibbert commented
Her boyfriend is bigger than me so I worry that threatening him will just make me look weak. But I'll think about confronting him separately. If I could talk him into going away that would be a good outcome.
Todd Hibbert
Todd Hibbert commented
I should also mention that I don't actually have any evidence other than her browser history so I don't exactly have a smoking gun to confront him with.
Tom  Jackson Profile
Tom Jackson answered

I would wait a few minutes before calling for the napalm.

First of all, neither what she is doing nor the male equivalent is not usefully classified as perversion.

And whether you found out about it by accidentally walking in on them or by "spying" on them---don't let that distract you from the real issue.

And the real issue is them behaving in such a way while coming to terms with their what sexuality is and should be is not the best way to do things.

So far only they, you, and perhaps your husband or wife (you posted as "anonymous") are involved---I suggest you don't throw a party with them as the featured guests in the "humiliation game."

So talk to them.  Make it perfectly clear that you know what they are doing and how you know is unimportant.  Also let them you know that you will not tolerate such behavior between the two of them.

(That eliminates the accusation of "you are spying on me and you don't trust me"  And the obvious "this feels so darn good and is so much fun, how do you possibly expect me to think that I should give it up? And possibly, "But we can't get pregnant.")

That approach, plus some honest, accurate information about sexuality and how it tends to bond two people beyond their ability to discriminate as to value has the best chance of actually having them consider stopping such activity (if not immediately, then perhaps sooner than later) as opposed to them just making absolutely sure you never catch them again.

Keep your eye on what you want to accomplish here.

Good luck; you can do this.

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Todd Hibbert
Todd Hibbert commented
Wow. That's... really good advice, thank you! My wife passed away years ago and sometimes I just feel lost. I try to be open-minded, I really do. I caught my daughter looking at porn when she was 11 and didn't know what to do then either. Someone on the Internet said I should explain to her that porn is unrealistic and she should never do something that makes her uncomfortable just because she saw it on the Internet. It seemed like good advice so I followed it. Now I wonder if I was too lenient back then.

If she's happy that's all I want but I worry that she's humiliating herself to please this jerk and that it's going to damage her self-esteem. The thought that she can't get pregnant doing this for him has crossed my mind though.

Thank you again for your advice, you've given me a lot to think about. I know she's old enough to make her own decisions, I just wish she'd make better ones.
Tom  Jackson
Tom Jackson commented
Glad I could give you a different perspective.

One of the best gifts you can give her is to share your humanity with her---your values, your beliefs, and sometimes even your confusion as how to go about things.

That's just one of the may ways to show a child you love them; and love that is felt goes a long way in the decision making process of a young girl.

Best of luck----I am confident that this is going to turn out well for both of you---and the boy too.
Tom  Jackson
Tom Jackson commented
Just saw another of your comments. It's OK to let her know that letting that other guy sleep over when she was younger was probably a wrong decision on your part and might have given her the wrong impression about sexual intimacy in relationships.

(Just be aware that your are changing your position on this and she is going to know that. Don't try to pretend it was OK earlier even though you pretty much approved of it inadvertently.)
Barb Cala Profile
Barb Cala answered

Didn't you think this through before you added that software?  You're the parent.  Tell her she's busted and educate her on what her sex games could lead to.  It's your job to make sure she does the right thing.  If she's underage .. call the cops and let them handle it.

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Todd Hibbert
Todd Hibbert commented
No, I'm here because I didn't think i through. When I put the software on I pictured myself catching some perv trying to lure her through the internet and then he'd show up and find me waiting for him instead. I never thought she'd start dating a guy who would turn out to be a perv. I thought she was a better judge of character.
Jann Nikka Profile
Jann Nikka answered

1. Both under 18 Sex Education and let his parents know.

2. If he's over 18 call the police.

3. If "teen" both are over 18, its not your business. Legal adults.

4. Its your business only if you told her not to be having sex in your home.

5. Consensual oral sex is not  perverted sex and legal. Also agreed to by legal consenting adults 18 and older.

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Todd Hibbert
Todd Hibbert commented
She's 16 and he's older but that's legal where we live. When she was 14 I started letting her previous boyfriend sleep over sometimes. They were the same age and in a long-distance relationship. I figured it was better than them fooling around in the park. But now she's gone through a whole series of boyfriends in a short period of time and I'm worried that my past leniency was a bad idea.
I don't think oral sex is perverted, but they were watching porn of a girl being with two guys at once and I'm freaked out that he's trying to desensitize her into doing something that could damage her self-esteem forever.
I just want everything to slow down until I can get a handle on things. Parenthood needs a rewind button.
Jann Nikka
Jann Nikka commented
Do your best. Seek family counseling. Peace.
Veronica Dultry Profile
Veronica Dultry answered

I am just adding this because of your comment to Otis. Because there are some good answers here.

You say you are concerned because you feel she has misguided love for him? Maybe. Maybe not. If you are concerned about that when things are calm have another conversation with her. Explain her worth. Explain that you never do for another at the expense of herself. Sometimes girls need to know these things. Talk to her about her self esteem, and your concerns.

In your question there are a few different issues at play. Your role as a parent is to untangle those issues, act accordingly and address the different issues according to urgency. Take a breath and make a plan.

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Todd Hibbert
Todd Hibbert commented
Yes! This is exactly what I want her to understand. I don't want to pass judgment on her activities I just want to make sure she's doing them because she wants to do them.
Walt O'Reagun Profile
Walt O'Reagun answered

Sit them BOTH down, and say you have spyware on your WiFi router and know what they were doing.  And then contact HIS parents, as well.

otis campbell Profile
otis campbell answered

sounds like both are perverts send them to dr phil . just tell your daughter she is caught

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Todd Hibbert
Todd Hibbert commented
I'm pretty sure she'd run away if I told her that I saw her doing this activity through the webcam on her laptop. I think he pressures her to do it and she's ruining her self-esteem out of misguided love for him.
DDX Project Profile
DDX Project answered

No offense. Parenting can be really difficult. But this just sounds like misguided youth built on a parent-child relationship of mistrust. One would wonder where the daughter's low self-esteem comes from and the loneliness that puts her in a position to be pressured, The needs of acceptances in children are first placed on their parents. If they don't feel accepted by their parents, they'd probably strive for acceptance from their peers to cater to this.

Were there talks about the birds, the bees, and sexuality? I mean if your kid is going to be in a teenage relationship, you'd sit the both of them down and have a friendly conversation.

But considering the spying, hidden cameras, and fear of child running away. I doubt any kind of serious conversation would turn out friendly. I think there's a much bigger problem here. One that you need to figure out and address between you and your daughter.

Teen adolescents filled with hormones and hitting puberty?! Perverts!? ....Please. 

Cookie Roma Profile
Cookie Roma answered

Wait.  She's the child, you're the parent.  Tell her what you know and that this ends now.  Her life needs to change NOW!!!  This will likely mean you'll have to remove all kinds of communication.  That would be a start. Yes, she will likely be very angry at you but that's why it's not call buddying it's called PARENTING!!!!

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