Was I sexually abused? He was about 18, I about 10. He touched me through my clothes and once tried to penetrate me with his fingers but I think I screamed. I believe some of my memories are repressed. I can't make myself believe I was.
That is sexual abuse, enough so to actually to some mental damage. A counsellor would help you with the repressed memories and with sorting through what you do remember. It can be scary to look at that sort of thing alone.
Yes Anya. What happened to you was Most Definitely Sexual Abuse. I should know...I was also sexually abused when I was about your age Anya, and I'm a guy.
(Just a short background of me. I was sexually abused by my alcoholic mother...YES. Boys can be sexually abused too. It started when I was 11. But, after years of therapy, and anti-depression meds, I'm much better. I'm even a counselor now, but do not look at me as a professional. Just look at me as someone who's -- "been there, and done that,". Someone who has also experienced sexual abuse...first hand.)
NOW, back to your question. FIRST OFF...what happened to you was not your fault. HE was 18, by law an adult. And by law, you are a minor. It is quite common for someone who was sexually abused, to take all the blame, or part of the blame. To feel guilty and shame. You must do neither. You are TOTALLY BLAMELESS. None of the event was your fault.
Even if you were also 18 (or older), if it was forced, or coerced (tricked, or seduced), and against your will -- it would still be sexual abuse. And it is also very common if the victim (and you were the victim) during the intimate touching, whether be it a male or female,to get pleasure (aroused). Our bodies (again, male & female) are genetically "pre-programmed" to respond sexually/sensually to intimate touching. It is something called an "autonomic response" (like breathing), similar to "automatic." If this happened, take note. If not...just dismiss this info. I'm just mentioning because it does happen, that it is quite common.
But -- this (the pleasuring) is supposed to happen by -- Someone you love (be it boyfriend, or husband), NOT, forced, or without your permission. Many times, guys start to intimately touch and/or kiss you, and the girl likes it. This is perfectly OK and normal. BUT...then the guys really gets turned-on (aroused) and DOESN'T WANT TO STOP! And the girl does say STOP! And NO! And the guys doesn't. THIS IS NOT OK!
This is for you guys who are reading this: IF THE GIRL SAYS NO and/or STOP...YOU STOP! WHEN A GIRLS SAYS NO, SHE DOES NOT MEAN YES...SHE MEANS...NO!...UNDERSTAND GUYS?!!
You also said, "...I believe some of my memories are repressed...". This is also normal. During times of trauma -- whether it be physical, emotional, or sexual, but especially sexual -- our conscious minds, often cannot handle the abuse, and as a safety measure, it will deliberately repress the trauma into -- what I like to call -- "the dark shadows" of our subconscious. This is particularly true for young children, and even tweens (age 10 - 12) and teens. So, this is the case for you "Miss" Anya.
Another reason your brain possibly did repress the trauma memories, is that the part of the brain that is responsible for reason and coping skills (like coping w/ sexual abuse), is not completely developed until the age of about 25. From A Parent's Guide to the Teens Brain (actually refers to the adolescent beginning at age 10), is the following quote: "the part of the brain which controls reasoning and impulses - known as the Prefrontal Cortex - is near the front of the brain and, therefore, develops last. This part of the brain does not fully mature until the age of 25." (Link provided at the end*).
Here's another quote from "How Do I Know if I Have Repressed Memories?" (link at end **): " Repressed memories are surprisingly common. The most common argument I've heard against them is "How could anyone ever forget something so unusual and traumatic?" The answer, as Jennifer Freyd pointed out in Betrayal Trauma, is that people (most often children) repress traumatic experiences when there is secrecy, betrayal, involved: When they have the sense, for whatever reason, that it is not safe to talk about it. When we are denied any other options for healing, we try to protect ourselves by sealing away the traumatic experience - but we can't seal away its effects." **
From my abuse, I didn't remember details of my sexual abuse (SA) until I was 42. And that was only because, I had just married a beautiful women, who made me feel SAFE and loved for the first time in my life. Feeling safe, my subconscious, allowed my conscious mind to start remembering. BUT, there is details I still don't remember.
IN CONCLUSION --
Anya, when you get older, probably as an adult, you may then remember. Then again, you may not. But either way, I would HIGHLY Recommend you see a therapist. Also, you stated: "I can't make myself believe I was", referring (I believe) that you can't believe you were sexually abused. Again, this is totally normal and quite common in cases of SA. It's a healthy coping skill that the victim's brains use when involved in any trauma. It's called "denial", and again, it's normal, common, and healthy -- especially for individuals of sexual abuse.
I hope something I said above, might help you. But remember 2 things: 1) Do not consider me a professional counselor. I am just someone who has also been sexually abused at about the same age as you. And 2) I would highly recommend that you do see a professional, that you see a counselor. (That is, if your not seeing one already) Your school counselor can recommend someone.
Respectfully yours, Heathland Hughes {:-{)>
* A Parent's Guide to the Teens Brain: teenbrain.drugfree.org/science/behavior.html
** How Do I Know if I Have Repressed Memories?: eft.fabglitter.org/blog/?p=149
(Just a short background of me. I was sexually abused by my alcoholic mother...YES. Boys can be sexually abused too. It started when I was 11. But, after years of therapy, and anti-depression meds, I'm much better. I'm even a counselor now, but do not look at me as a professional. Just look at me as someone who's -- "been there, and done that,". Someone who has also experienced sexual abuse...first hand.)
NOW, back to your question. FIRST OFF...what happened to you was not your fault. HE was 18, by law an adult. And by law, you are a minor. It is quite common for someone who was sexually abused, to take all the blame, or part of the blame. To feel guilty and shame. You must do neither. You are TOTALLY BLAMELESS. None of the event was your fault.
Even if you were also 18 (or older), if it was forced, or coerced (tricked, or seduced), and against your will -- it would still be sexual abuse. And it is also very common if the victim (and you were the victim) during the intimate touching, whether be it a male or female,to get pleasure (aroused). Our bodies (again, male & female) are genetically "pre-programmed" to respond sexually/sensually to intimate touching. It is something called an "autonomic response" (like breathing), similar to "automatic." If this happened, take note. If not...just dismiss this info. I'm just mentioning because it does happen, that it is quite common.
But -- this (the pleasuring) is supposed to happen by -- Someone you love (be it boyfriend, or husband), NOT, forced, or without your permission. Many times, guys start to intimately touch and/or kiss you, and the girl likes it. This is perfectly OK and normal. BUT...then the guys really gets turned-on (aroused) and DOESN'T WANT TO STOP! And the girl does say STOP! And NO! And the guys doesn't. THIS IS NOT OK!
This is for you guys who are reading this: IF THE GIRL SAYS NO and/or STOP...YOU STOP! WHEN A GIRLS SAYS NO, SHE DOES NOT MEAN YES...SHE MEANS...NO!...UNDERSTAND GUYS?!!
You also said, "...I believe some of my memories are repressed...". This is also normal. During times of trauma -- whether it be physical, emotional, or sexual, but especially sexual -- our conscious minds, often cannot handle the abuse, and as a safety measure, it will deliberately repress the trauma into -- what I like to call -- "the dark shadows" of our subconscious. This is particularly true for young children, and even tweens (age 10 - 12) and teens. So, this is the case for you "Miss" Anya.
Another reason your brain possibly did repress the trauma memories, is that the part of the brain that is responsible for reason and coping skills (like coping w/ sexual abuse), is not completely developed until the age of about 25. From A Parent's Guide to the Teens Brain (actually refers to the adolescent beginning at age 10), is the following quote: "the part of the brain which controls reasoning and impulses - known as the Prefrontal Cortex - is near the front of the brain and, therefore, develops last. This part of the brain does not fully mature until the age of 25." (Link provided at the end*).
Here's another quote from "How Do I Know if I Have Repressed Memories?" (link at end **): " Repressed memories are surprisingly common. The most common argument I've heard against them is "How could anyone ever forget something so unusual and traumatic?" The answer, as Jennifer Freyd pointed out in Betrayal Trauma, is that people (most often children) repress traumatic experiences when there is secrecy, betrayal, involved: When they have the sense, for whatever reason, that it is not safe to talk about it. When we are denied any other options for healing, we try to protect ourselves by sealing away the traumatic experience - but we can't seal away its effects." **
From my abuse, I didn't remember details of my sexual abuse (SA) until I was 42. And that was only because, I had just married a beautiful women, who made me feel SAFE and loved for the first time in my life. Feeling safe, my subconscious, allowed my conscious mind to start remembering. BUT, there is details I still don't remember.
IN CONCLUSION --
Anya, when you get older, probably as an adult, you may then remember. Then again, you may not. But either way, I would HIGHLY Recommend you see a therapist. Also, you stated: "I can't make myself believe I was", referring (I believe) that you can't believe you were sexually abused. Again, this is totally normal and quite common in cases of SA. It's a healthy coping skill that the victim's brains use when involved in any trauma. It's called "denial", and again, it's normal, common, and healthy -- especially for individuals of sexual abuse.
I hope something I said above, might help you. But remember 2 things: 1) Do not consider me a professional counselor. I am just someone who has also been sexually abused at about the same age as you. And 2) I would highly recommend that you do see a professional, that you see a counselor. (That is, if your not seeing one already) Your school counselor can recommend someone.
Respectfully yours, Heathland Hughes {:-{)>
* A Parent's Guide to the Teens Brain: teenbrain.drugfree.org/science/behavior.html
** How Do I Know if I Have Repressed Memories?: eft.fabglitter.org/blog/?p=149
YES you nearly were.
You were a minor.
That is unbelievable. So some of the memories are repressed, but if the ones you can remember are very clear then you nearly were.
I'm sorry!
Be thankful it didn't happen though!
You were a minor.
That is unbelievable. So some of the memories are repressed, but if the ones you can remember are very clear then you nearly were.
I'm sorry!
Be thankful it didn't happen though!
