It's a tough one. I just went thru this with my teenage daughter. She's been crying for days. And, of course, recriminating herself: 'How could I not have sees? How could I have been so stupid?'
I will tell you what I told her.
First, it is never wrong to love someone. It is, however, wrong to assume they love you back. It is also wrong to assume that just because you love someone, that there is an implied 'time frame', such as: our love will last forever.
Second, as women, we give too easily and far too soon. 'Desperation' is the world's worst cologne. Predators, users, takers, liars, and cheaters can smell it a mile away; and they use our desparate need for love against us. They say all the right things. They do all the right things. In the beginning. And we are lulled into the belief that what we're feeling, they're feeling too. WRONG.
Third, what can we do about this sorry state of affairs? We must realize, once and for all, that the one who loves most truly, has the most to lose. We must realize that it is not enough to listen to our heart, but also engage our mind, our reasoning. We must realize, and hold sacred, the knowledge and wisdom that our love is a fragile, precious, and extremely valuable thing. To give it away too soon is to throw it away.
It is a hard lesson for young women to learn. Probably the hardest lesson of all. For to love is to trust. It is to open one's heart fully and completely. It is to enter into a state of faith and hopefulness with the innocence and wonder of a child, and the power and determination of a woman to see it thru the good times and the bad.
A woman must apply the tests. She must think so highly of herself, of her precious gift of love, that all comers will not only pass the tests, but be glad they are being applied. Tho men may protest to high-heaven, the good one's secretly they know they've got a woman of value who values herself so highly. She is absolutely worth every hoop he has to jump thru, every test he has to pass, every trial he must endure... For she is that rarest of women-- a woman who will value his love as well.
The first test is this: if a man balks at being tested, dump him right away. He is a cretenous wanker who not only doesn't understand how love works, but is unwilling to learn its steps.
The discovering of each other, the taking the time to really get to know one another, the passing of the tests, the unfoldment of closeness and intimacy... This is the dance of love. It is the memories we begin to form with each other... Memories of romance, of emotional vulnerability, of future hopes and dreams, of trust and care.
Sex comes later. Everyone wants it-- women as well as men. It's right there like an elephant in the living room. But this is the second test-- to wait, to hold back, to give love a chance to bloom, to be connected emotionally, intimately before the expression of physicality is engaged in. If a man presses for this, dump him-- he's not the lover for you... A lover who has caressed your heart tenderly before he ever caressed your body.
To specifically answer your question, 'what do you do?' You cry your tears. Write in your journal or diary. Express thru poetry, or song, or art your pain and sorrow. Give yourself time to grieve what you thought, and had hoped, the relationship would be.
Then, pick yourself up and, in gratitude, thank the powers-that-be for the lesson and, on a moonlit night go outside and scream to the heavens: 'NEXT!'
The Universe has a way of ridding us of the lovers that really are no good for us, even tho we may whole-heartedly disagree at the time. But one thing is for certain, the removal of one lover is the absolute promise of a better lover. You can take it to the bank that the Universe has someone much better in mind for us, if we, as women, will only value ourselves as highly as the Universe does.
Become the strong, powerful woman you were meant to be. Have the courage to really 'look' at the men you're dating. 'See' what you need to see even tho your heart doesn't want to. Be strong enough to withstand the disappointment that comes with kissing a bunch of frogs-- your prince is just around the corner. Don't doubt it for a minute. Make a list of what you require in a mate and then APPLY THE TESTS-- do not waiver on this, demand they be met. Your true love will be so glad you did.
I will tell you what I told her.
First, it is never wrong to love someone. It is, however, wrong to assume they love you back. It is also wrong to assume that just because you love someone, that there is an implied 'time frame', such as: our love will last forever.
Second, as women, we give too easily and far too soon. 'Desperation' is the world's worst cologne. Predators, users, takers, liars, and cheaters can smell it a mile away; and they use our desparate need for love against us. They say all the right things. They do all the right things. In the beginning. And we are lulled into the belief that what we're feeling, they're feeling too. WRONG.
Third, what can we do about this sorry state of affairs? We must realize, once and for all, that the one who loves most truly, has the most to lose. We must realize that it is not enough to listen to our heart, but also engage our mind, our reasoning. We must realize, and hold sacred, the knowledge and wisdom that our love is a fragile, precious, and extremely valuable thing. To give it away too soon is to throw it away.
It is a hard lesson for young women to learn. Probably the hardest lesson of all. For to love is to trust. It is to open one's heart fully and completely. It is to enter into a state of faith and hopefulness with the innocence and wonder of a child, and the power and determination of a woman to see it thru the good times and the bad.
A woman must apply the tests. She must think so highly of herself, of her precious gift of love, that all comers will not only pass the tests, but be glad they are being applied. Tho men may protest to high-heaven, the good one's secretly they know they've got a woman of value who values herself so highly. She is absolutely worth every hoop he has to jump thru, every test he has to pass, every trial he must endure... For she is that rarest of women-- a woman who will value his love as well.
The first test is this: if a man balks at being tested, dump him right away. He is a cretenous wanker who not only doesn't understand how love works, but is unwilling to learn its steps.
The discovering of each other, the taking the time to really get to know one another, the passing of the tests, the unfoldment of closeness and intimacy... This is the dance of love. It is the memories we begin to form with each other... Memories of romance, of emotional vulnerability, of future hopes and dreams, of trust and care.
Sex comes later. Everyone wants it-- women as well as men. It's right there like an elephant in the living room. But this is the second test-- to wait, to hold back, to give love a chance to bloom, to be connected emotionally, intimately before the expression of physicality is engaged in. If a man presses for this, dump him-- he's not the lover for you... A lover who has caressed your heart tenderly before he ever caressed your body.
To specifically answer your question, 'what do you do?' You cry your tears. Write in your journal or diary. Express thru poetry, or song, or art your pain and sorrow. Give yourself time to grieve what you thought, and had hoped, the relationship would be.
Then, pick yourself up and, in gratitude, thank the powers-that-be for the lesson and, on a moonlit night go outside and scream to the heavens: 'NEXT!'
The Universe has a way of ridding us of the lovers that really are no good for us, even tho we may whole-heartedly disagree at the time. But one thing is for certain, the removal of one lover is the absolute promise of a better lover. You can take it to the bank that the Universe has someone much better in mind for us, if we, as women, will only value ourselves as highly as the Universe does.
Become the strong, powerful woman you were meant to be. Have the courage to really 'look' at the men you're dating. 'See' what you need to see even tho your heart doesn't want to. Be strong enough to withstand the disappointment that comes with kissing a bunch of frogs-- your prince is just around the corner. Don't doubt it for a minute. Make a list of what you require in a mate and then APPLY THE TESTS-- do not waiver on this, demand they be met. Your true love will be so glad you did.
