If a man has led you to believe he is on the way out of a relationship that he is no longer in a relationship and you then discover he has been using you and that you have been unwittingly complicit in stringing his partner along then yes tell the partner because it forces him to address the issues and lies he has in his real life relationship and it takes you out of their forum completely.
Once you tell the partner there is no road back, so if you have any doubt in your mind that you are unable to deal with him being furious and hating you don't tell.
If on the other hand you are outraged and disgusted to have been used as some sort of lay bye for a mans middle aged relationship angst and he led you to believe he was being honest, then let her know and throw his baggage back where it belongs, ie into the baggage reclaim dept of the REAL, NOT OVER relationship that he needs to address honestly.
Yes it will hurt his wife, but you are not the one who cheated on her, he is and forcing him into a dialogue regarding his deceit with his wife takes you out of the picture and frees you from his mess and their issues as a couple.
Nobody should ever feel that they have to carry the burden of someone elses lie in order to be seen as a "nice" person.
Honest people have a sense of personal integrity and protecting a cheating liars disprespected partner from his lies is not in anyones best interests long term.
In the long run the truth does everyone a favour, concealing a mans secrets and allowing yourself to continue to do so after being used by him is good how?
At what point does a deceitful liar deserve protection or a woman need protecting from the truth that the man she trusted and loved as much as you did has broken it?
If you protect a liar you are complicit in the lie.
Tell the ugly truth, through the baggage back where it belongs, wash your hands and walk away to let them sort it out as they see fit.
Poor bloody wives, they need to see that many OW's are also victims of the exact same lies as they have been spun. A decent OW will bail as soon as she realises what is happening and let the living partner know as well, so that the living partner can tear him a new one and make choices from a place of KNOWING who she lives with.
I really feel for the disrespected partners there can't be much more mortifying than having to find out from another woman that your partner is a lying, coward with no respect for integrity or truth and that he has been pretending not to even be in a relationship let alone honour it.
God they make my teeth grind, telling the wives gives them the ammunition they need to change their lives for the better and lets face it ALL women are better off knowing which men are colossal jerks.
Yes, tell...if you don't it's telling him that he can get away with disrespecting his wife and marriage and that it's okay to screw you over. I hate guys like that. Don't let his "threats" scare you---there are plenty of laws and things that can protect you from harassment from him. He had his cake and ate it too...typical guy. Now he wants you to tip toe away in silence so he can go back to "normal" life while you're miserable. The truth will set you free. I've been there and I told....and I feel SO much better!
I think you should, even if you believe she will be upset with you. Trust me she will be 10x more mad at him. I am 32 weeks pregnant with my third child and going through this same thing and trust me it would be so much eaiser if the other woman would just tell me. My husband is making it seem like nothing is going on and they are just friends....but do friends talk on the phone for 40 min to a hour every morning and somethimes more..?? I don't think so. But when I call the girl she wont even pick up the phone. But yeah girl please coming from one woman to another just give her a call and explain what went on. Why would you want to protect a boy who wont admit to having a relationship with you??
For all those wives who are bashing OW, please don't jump into conclusions. We feel deceived and betrayed just the wives do! Of course I am talking specifically if the OW didnt know the man was married! That was my situation. I met this man online and I had no idea he was married. He misrepresented himself and I fell for him. I found out he was married online and I was devastated! I would NEVER have dated him if I knew he was married to someone else! I confronted him about it and just like any men, he completely denied it and accused ME of being insecure and having trust issues. I really liked him and decided to take matters into my own hands! I googled him again and found his wife on Facebook. I sent her an email and told her the truth and forward her all the evidence of our correspondences and pictures in case he denies it! I was very torn and confused at first about confronting her and I told myself just to walk away but I know in my heart I did the RIGHT thing! If I had a husband and he was engaged in such affairs, I would want to know! She responded with a Thank you and I can sense she is devastated also. I don't know whats going to happen to their marriage but I am really hoping that they work things out since they also have a child :( I don't feel responsible for breaking up their marriage because he BROKE the vow the moment he signed up on a Dating site and contacted me. As a woman of conscious I feel sad for her situation and somewhat guilty, but I still feel I did the right thing! Otherwise he would continue to dupe other women and get away with it.
I've been there and I told the wife, in writing. I wanted her to see it in writing. Things tend to have a much bigger impact. I told the wife, not because I wanted her husband, but simply because I was tired of being an accomplice to his lies and parallel life. She had no idea what he had been doing for years, OR been in a severe denial, ignoring all the signs of a cheater. He also started treating me with little to zero respect, like his "on-call" entertainment. There were many OW besides me, plus couples, for years. He was/is a serial cheater. His wife, of course, called me all sorts of names (extremely immature). She had known of ONLY ONE cheating incident recently when he caught an STD (that is why he "had" to tell her about that one). I felt like a billion pounds has been lifted off my shoulders; I have absolutely no regrets in telling her. She seems like the type that likes to live in a fantasy world anyhow. Time to grow up....figure out (1) why your husband has cheated (2) why he cheated so many times and (3) why he cheated with so many women/couples.... And then face the music like a grown woman. The truth can be very, very painful sometimes.
If you know he will never leave his wife and you have been with him for about a year. But have decided to try and cut all contact, should you tell her when he has told you he wants kids. I feel bad for her as she did suspect, he managed to talk her round but continues to want something with me. I still love him but would never trust him and he will never leave her. He also told me that if I told his wife, he would lose everything he has and would make it his sole mission in life to destroy me. Not physically but that he would make my life hell.
I want to be the better person and we are no longer talking. But I hate the thought of him having kids with her when I know how he cheats. What do you do? Do you be nice and tell her the truth and think you are helping in some way or do you step back and leave them to it???
I've had an affair with a married man for 4 years. It started as friends the first 2 years as we fought off our magnetism. I divorced my husband of 7 years as soon as I realized I was living a lie and he deserved a woman who loved him more than I did. The married man (of 15 years) never told me he would leave, and was always so torn with his life. Weve recently called it quits because its not a healthy way live in such secrecy. I'm thinking of writing a letter to his wife explaining things and apologizing and Hoping it wakes then both up to get out of a cold and very distant marriage they have or gets them motivated to love eachother more so he doesn't need to find love elsewhere. My friends say I'm a bad person for "ruining" there family by getting this off my chest.
I had a relationship with a man, on the other side of the world from me - mostly texting and internet and skype and one long weekend away together in the middle... He was a brief relationship from my past 20 years ago... My marriage had ended and his was, according to him, about to end... Though he had only recently met and married this his second wife... He vowed devotion and love to me for the best part of 18 months and it was exhilarating and wonderful to be in love again and right about a man I had missed for so long... He told me he would leave her but that it had to be in his own time. She emailed me asking me if there was something he wasn't telling her as she trusted him that I was just a friend. I said he had to answer her himself... But for some strange reason I felt compelled to tell her about me - he had maintained we were 'old friends'... One of his young children came to live with him unexpectedly and he maintained to me that he would still leave but feared being a single parent with the child and though the woman and the child did not get on, he needed her for housing as he was in the forces and would lose his entitlement to a house if he wasn't married and to give him time to work out what to do... I don't know why but all of a sudden after getting another email from her I couldn't wait and I told her that she needed to ask him all her questions. I ended up sending her a long long email saying that we had fallen in love and a lot of details about us I knew he hadn't told her... She showed his daughter and they both set about me with wicked and nasty accusations of being a stalker and a crazy woman... I never heard from him again and still get nasty barbs from her on the internet from time to time... I vote not to tell anyone anything - and get out while you don't care - I still love this man as I will never know the truth I will never trust my own judgement again. The truth didn't set me free at all...