My gf won't stand up for our relationship and tell her roommates that she pays the same amount or bills and its just as much her house as it is their house and she can do what she wants. Am I wrong for wanting her to stand up? I'm asking because her roommates don't want me there anymore.


5 Answers

Danae Hitch Profile
Danae Hitch answered

Please note that your name does not appear on the lease. The house / apartment belongs to the three girls. It could be that you're over there all the time, so the other two girls feel they don't have any privacy or feel they could invite their friends over, because you are always there.

It could be you act like a jacka$$ and make them uncomfortable. It could be that you eat up everything in the house and don't replace what you've eaten.

It could be any number of reasons. If you're curious, why don't you ask them if there's something that you do or say that bothers them? One day, you could be in this same predicament so this will be good training on how to get along with everyone.

Make an effort - find out what's going on. Don't put your girlfriend in the middle of this. After all, her relationship with you could end tomorrow; she will still be stuck there until the lease runs out.

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tyler busque
tyler busque commented
I'm not trrying to live there I just used to go over 3 times a week about. I don't eat there shower or even use the bathroom
Walt O'Reagun
Walt O'Reagun commented
Sounds like you just need to be supportive of your gf ... I bet in a couple more months, she'll have had enough. Some people are more patient / forgiving than others.
Danae Hitch
Danae Hitch commented
Thanks for the clarification. In light of this new information, I can tell you that you can encourage your girlfriend to grow a backbone, but it will be hard for her to do so. No one is able to take full and complete advantage of you like family does.

If you would like to teach her how to respond, you could role play at your apartment. You be the obnoxious sister ordering her to do something and she would play herself. Then switch roles.

This will allow her a safe place to practice what to say and how to say it. She may never win her sister over, but in time, maybe her sister will be more respectful.

When my son was younger (middle school age), he would not talk directly to the wait staff when they came to take our order. So, recognizing the problem, I had us practice at home. It took about a month before he was comfortable, but I was willing to put in the time because it was a good thing to learn. Good luck.
Bikergirl Anonymous Profile

Since when is adding another person to a 3 person agreement an equal 1/3 share? She entered into an agreement with her roommates to share 1/3 of the space, expenses and rent .. Adding you as a full time guest is stepping outside of the boundaries of the agreement.  If they are not in agreement of making a change to the original agreement,  by adding you as a fourth  person, or even recalculating rent and expenses for four people instead of three...that is their prerogative. She has no right to force them to accept is a negotiation. 

.. And NO she can not just do as she pleases ... What ever gave you that impression.  What she wants will have to be negotiated with her room mates. They have a say in what transpires under that roof .. Not just her, and certainly not you.

This is about legal commitments made .. A contract .. This has nothing to do with her not stepping up to defend your relationship.  If you want to move in with her, then renegotiate her lease with her roomies or buy out her lease and find a place of your own where you two can co-reside.

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Bikergirl Anonymous
They 'run' all over her because she enables it .. ONLY she can control that behavior. I didn' say it won't 'affect' your relationship .. This issue is a tenancy issue .. agreement and relationship between her and her room mates is what this power stuggle is about.

You are making it about your relationship like it reflects about how she feels about you .. and it doesn't.

Support her and encourage her to speak for herself as an adult would .. don't scorn her and critisize her because she's not forceful and aggressive. She may NEVER handle herself that way .. who knows? She may not be as self confident as she should be as an adult having to navigate this world in which she lives .. but, she needs support, not riddicule.

I don't know what kind of relationship she has with her family .. and that could very well be a driving force behind her reluctance to stand up to her sister .. because her sister is her family .. YOU are not.
tyler busque
tyler busque commented
Yes but I don't like the way they're treating her why should I have to put up with every time I see her she is complaining about her sister saying has to do this or that
Bikergirl Anonymous
If you feel so strongly about it, then ask her to either stand up and change what she doesn't like, or stop complaining to you about it .. or find another solution about where to hang with her.
Walt O'Reagun Profile
Walt O'Reagun answered

While she has an "equal share" in the house ... Her roommates' right to feel safe in their home overrides her right to have you over.  So you need to figure out WHY they don't want you over, and address their concerns.

Moga Deet Profile
Moga Deet answered

If you are living there, you should pay a part of the bills.  She doesn't have the right to let another person move in, even if it is just in her room.  If you are taking a shower there more than once a week, chip in for the bills.  If they don't want you there, she can just get an apartment on her own.

I had roommate whose unemployed bf just moved in.  His stuff (surfboard, etc.) was all over the house.  He was in the shower when I was trying to get ready for school.  He was always downstairs loafing around.  The other two of us eventually kicked her and Mr. Lazy out.

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tyler busque
tyler busque commented
I am not living there just I go over about 3 times a week and I don't get why it's a problem
Moga Deet
Moga Deet commented
I see! She needs to confront her roommates. She has the right to have guests over, as long as they aren't doing something criminal or offensive. It is really her problem. I'm not sure what you can do except encourage her to be assertive. She needs to learn to stand up for herself. I don't think you dealing with the roommates is going to help her deal with the fundamental problem. She needs to say to them that she is going to have a guest over three times a week and it is none of their damned business!
tyler busque
tyler busque commented
Yes yes yes thank you I've been telling her this
DDX Project Profile
DDX Project answered

If you spend a certain amount of time there, you're going to have to pay rent. Don't be a bum. I hate roommates like that. Otherwise you're a guest, and guests leave when asked.

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