My Boyfriend Won't Tell His Ex About His New Girlfriend (me). What Do I Do?

35 Answers

Joe Gilbert Profile
Joe Gilbert answered
You need to talk about the issue and find out precisely why he doesn’t want to tell his ex. You must also remember that trust is an important part of a relationship, and you must do everything you can to ensure that there is still a level of trust there.

You first need to start by doing what you say you are going to do. By putting actions with your words, your partner will know that when you say something, you actually mean what you say. If you talk and don’t act then your partner will start to avoid trusting the things that you say.

You need to keep your partner informed, too. By ensuring that there is open communication within the relationship there will be plenty of trust. You need to tell your partner how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Making your partner guess doesn’t create trust; it creates confusion, false assumptions and worry.

You also need to look at your own behaviour, before you start thinking that your partner is in the wrong. You need to evaluate how trustworthy you are yourself, by looking at the way you act and the way you behave. You need to be completely honest with yourself, and ask whether you would be alright if your partner did what you did, to you. It is then that you can really understand whether it’s you or your partner that is being unfair.

You also need to make sure that you live in the present. Don’t dwell on things in the past that might have upset you - because if you can never move forward then you will never have a trustworthy and healthy relationship with your partner.
Jacquelyn Mathis Profile
I wouldn't bother with making him tell her, I would leave and find someone else who is going to love you and parade you to all the people that he knows, you deserve that! Hope this helps, good luck to you.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
If he still wants to sleep with her than you probably shouldn't be dating him.  If he doesn't want to tell people that he is dating you then he probably doesn't care about you that much. Good luck
thanked the writer.
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
He has told everyone else about me, but just refuses to tell her like he is protecting her or something. I just think that it's not fair to me because even if he says he doesn't want to sleep with her (which is what he says) her intentions could be bad.
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
If he is protecting her than he must still have feelings for her. And if he says that he is not going to sleep with her it sounds bad, like he is covering for himself. Since you are living together it makes this messy, but if he isnt going to tell her what choice do you have?
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
Ok i am a guy hear and just find out how she is and teel her your self if he
Mati green Profile
Mati green answered
Do you really want to be with a guy that can't tel his ex that shes the EX now? By not telling her.... That makes him a cheater.... And you deserve better than that. Dump the jerk and find some someone whos proud to be with you and not keep you hidden. I noticed mby your comments to other answers on this question that you live together, how can he LIVE with you and still not tell her about you?  I would move out... Then TELL her.
Ree Ree Profile
Ree Ree answered
Seems to me he wants his cake and eat it to!! I would dump the looser!!!
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
My boyfriend has been living with for 6 months and still in in regular contact with his wife. He says that he can not break her heart by telling her about me. He seems to enjoy being loved by two women.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
First off if you are in a relationship and you have to make the other person do something that is basically a requirement when getting in a relationship then you need to break up with him. Why get into a relationship when you are still talking to the ex he is dumb and I do not want to be rude about it but you are too. For putting up with it and making it seem like it is okay for him to talk to his ex....When your in a new relationship why bring up the past or heck have the past in your new relationship...Leave him alone!!! Do better next time!! Make sure he doesnt have an ex!!!
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I would find a roommate to live with or something and drop him. If he can't tell everyone about you including his ex then he doesn't deserve you.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I'm kind of in the same situation except I'm the ex! My ex won't tell be about his new girl when I know he has one and I don't he wants her to know about me. For my situation I understand my ex. He has financial problems and needs a woman to help him. I guess he thinks when they break up he can reel me right back in. Little does he know, jokes on him! Leave your guy alone baby girl. He is not a real man. Any real man would be glad to introduce his ex to his new! He's playing games. He probably needs her for sex, company, back up or money. If she's stupid he 's telling her that he needs help with his bills when he's really using her money to take you out. If you suspect he's doing this leave him alone because he's a low life and he's tri filing. If you accept it, accept. It's your choice and I don't judge you if you do stay. Peace out lil mama, and keep you head up!
Rafaela Santilha Profile
Tell him ''it me or her now choose'' if he really like you then he would stay with you and tell his ex that he have a new girlfriend...
lil mama Profile
lil mama answered
If he won't tell his ex about you than that means he hiding something from you
Pixie Moore Profile
Pixie Moore answered
Try reading 'I Hate His Ex' by Alex Moore. I've just read it and it has really help me sort out loads of problems within my relationship. It is definitely worth a try!
Al Millions Profile
Al Millions answered
You guys are unreal...

Let me tell you a fact...Some of us guys don't want to hurt our exes anymore then we have to.  Why should we break their hearts evenmore if we were the ones who left them in the first place??!!  I used to speak to my ex while I was with the girl I'm currently with.  I left her to be with the person I am with now, I have stayed faithful and will always continue to do so...But who would benefit from me telling my ex I am happily in love now?? Not all of us are shit heads.  Some of us care and have guilt.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I am also in a similar situation except I am the ex-girlfriend. This man broke up with me, was seeing this other woman but denied it. I think he expected me to chase after him but I didn't. So, he has been calling a coming around for two years. Sometimes I send him on his way, don't answer his calls and sometimes we spend the day, night together. I would bring up his "girlfriend" his response was alway, "she's a friend" She came to my house one of the days he was here. Tryed to get him to leave with her but he stayed for two more days. She moved in with him while he was working out of town a couple of months later. I had heard she moved in, asked him several times and he denied it. My response to his advances would be different if they lived together and he knew it. I found out and I decided to call her and tell her he was still pursuing me. I knew she wouldn't leave him, I hoped he would quit putting me in this position knowing I may tell on him. Five months later, he's calling. Came over to take me out for a drink a while back, in her brand new car while she was out of town working! We were together for six years before all this started and I never had any signs of him cheating. All I know is she has money and he doesn't! I think she is ridiculous for moving in with him knowing he was still fooling around with me so I don't feel too bad for her. If he isn't telling her about you, he is probably still stringing her along because he doesn't want to be alone after he's done with you! If he was thinking permanent with you, he would tell her and be done with her. I am dating someone else, not exclusively so I'm not hurting anyone. That's my take from experience.
Crystal Kent Profile
Crystal Kent answered
I'm in a similar situation but I am the ex.  We were together for 5 years and he broke up with me.  We've been broke up for a year and a half now and neither of us seriously dated anyone else.  We've always been in touch through text, telephone calls or skype during a six month period where we were not in the same province.  For the year that we've been in the same city we've seen eachother all the time, talk everyday.  We've never talked about getting back together.  During the entire time we've been broke up I've been helping him out financially, I was always the one in the relationship who handled all the money issues and I've been having a hard time letting go of my instinct to help him.  I feel bad even though I know it's no longer my responsibility.  Anyways, my ex has recently entered into a new relationship.  He didn't tell me, I thought we were really good friends so I was shocked.  I am honeslty confused why he kept it from me.  I asked him a little over a week ago and he told me that he was just casually dating her but didn't expect it to last much longer.  This past weekend we had plans to go out for supper and the day before he disappeared after lunch until I received a text from him that night at like midnight saying he was gone out of town and had to cancel.  I later found out he was meeting her family.  When he returned back to town he picked me up to take me for a coffee.  I confronted him and he said he had a horrible time and that he was having issues with her, he didn't think he could trust her.  To me that sounded like he was trying to tell me that things weren't going to last.  He then asked if we could reschedule our cancelled supper plans for the following evening.  Later that night I get another text from him cancelling because his mother was having a family supper.  I then later found out that the family supper included this new girl.  The same night his facebook relationship status changed to in a relationship with this girl.  I'm very confused as to why he seemed to keep this from me and when asked about the truth he would give me the impression he wasn't happy and things weren't going to go any futher.  I keep wondering if he's just keeping me around to help him out financially, andd was that the reason he lied?  I really hope that is not the case.  I'm afraid to mention this to him because it's an emotional topic for me and I start to tear up....he can't handle it when I get that emotional and he usually takes off. Can someone respond to my issue????
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Aw I know exactly what your going through. My ex left his ex and we started dating. He felt huge guilt and told me all about how she wasn't coping, was in fact suicidal and couldn't move on. I had huge trust issues with this guy and although the good times were good they certainly did not outweigh the bad. By not telling his ex about his new relationship he completely kept his options open. I find out now he was leading a double life, they're married now. It's a tough lesson to learn but I will now avoid guys like that like the plague. I deserve better she clearly doesn't.
Cut your losses and Run Run like mad and never look back! He is using you
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
This is funny. WHy? Because my ex boyfriend refuses to tell me he is with someone new and has been with her for months.

He has outright lied to me twice about it. I mean I know her name AND I know that when he said he went on holiday with his brother he went with her.

I have no idea why he is doing this but I know it's not because he wants to get back with me. It seems like pity to me, and thats why I'm getting a bit pissed off about it.

You shouldn't feel bad because your bf is too much of a nice guy to hurt someone he once loved. But then again, you never know what goes on in their minds.
Renee' Purdy Profile
Renee' Purdy answered
Are you sure that she is his ex. Maybe he not break up with her. Maybe she believes they are still together. If you tell her then she will leave. Most men would rather not be alone so he won't leave you at that point. Then where would he get some ass from?
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I can truly relate to different portions of the comments submitted and would like to take it a little further. My guy and I are engaged, I practically live with him although I have my own home. When my fiance has a conversation with all of his friends (male), he is inclusive and uses the ":We" are doing whatever we are doing throughout his converstations. However, when he speaks to his friend with benefits that has been in his life for 16 years-I can be sitting right next to him driving and he will anser her questions as if he is alone and I am not there. They supposedly stop having sex about 2 years prior to our relationship. He also did not correct one of his other girl/friends that called me his roommate. Numerous other times his friend with benefits has called him while I am with him and asked him if he has company, or asked him if his friend (meaning me, fiance) is around and he has never corrected them. He wonders what the big deal is and why I am over reacting since he is engaged to me and swears he has done nothing wrong. I have not heard him once say the word fiance to either of them to ensure they understand my place in his life. I requested him to correct it. I argued at him to correct it. I cried for him to correct it. I was silent in hopes that he would correct it, I pushed at him to correct it. I walked out so I would not be so outraged waiting on hime to correct it. He says he corrected it, so I have been back but they have not called since I have been back which has been about 2 weeks. So the 2 weeks have been wonderful we are happy and in love again with no negative distractions so he is feeling really happy about us. He has since asked me to set a date for the wedding, I expressed to him that  I will set the date for the wedding to become his wife after I have sat with him and his friend with benefits and have been formally introduced as his fiance. Simultaneously, we  will present her the invitation to the engagement party! Sometimes corrections are best taught by those that were wronged, just do it in a loving manner. :)
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I'm in the same situation as you.  I have been dating my bf for a year and he still hasn't told his ex.  Although they don't talk all the time it is still frustration when she sends him a random text informing him about tidbits of her life.  Apparently she was emotionally unstable so I think in the beginning he was trying to prevent a meltdown on her part, which was ok, we got together very soon after they broke up. But we both know she has a new bf so I don't see why he wont tell her about me. He says the subject hasn't come up, and he doesnt want to give her more to worry about because her new bf has cancer. Its tragic I know but I don't want her thinking she can monopolize his time and empathy as a shoulder to cry on. I want her to know that he has moved on too. We don't live together, and I'm positive he is madly in love with me. Maybe your bf is a really good person and is trying to sort out what is best for both parties, he might not want to hurt her and is waiting for the right moment to tell her.
thanked the writer.
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
I am in the same situation, only we have been dating for almost 3 yrs and he still has not told his ex. He has secretly done family get togethers with her (his family) He went shopping with her, goes to the casino, continued to keep their season tickets to hockey games, she calls chats with him on msn, he helps her fix stuff at her place, etc.... Even spent last Christmas with her and his mom at her place! But he tells me he loves me and only wants to be with me. Am I stupid, dating this man?
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I am going through the same exact thing. Very frustrating. I've been with this guy for over a year. I know he loves me but he has kids with his ex and refuses to tell her he is seeing me. He says he broke up with her and says they argue constantly because she wants to get back together. He will not tell her about me because he says she will not let him see his kids if he is involved with another woman  so what do I do? Wait forever and trust he will eventually tell her or dump him because I am starting to have trust issues. He swears nothing is going on between them. Nothing physical. I have proof that she still thinks they are together. He says no she does not think that. I feel if he really loved me and saw a future with me I should have met his kids by now. What do you all think?
thanked the writer.
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
I wouldn't assume he doesn't care about you because he is not introducing you to his children. Many responsible parents refuse to introduce someone they care about to their children until they are sure the GF/BF will be in their lives for a long time. It's every parent's responsibility to protect their children from being hurt. If they meet you, really get along well with you, become attached emotionally to you and then you break up with their dad, they would be hurt. He's right to protect them.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Same problem only my bf's ex is pregnant.  She is still desperately in love with him, and personally I feel the whole pregnancy was an attempt to keep him....failing to mention that she was no longer taking the pill, as you do!!  Anyway, he wont tell her about me for fear she will stop him playing any part in his childs life...I understand his concerns but don't like how she is controlling our relationship...we cannot be fully open through fear that she will find out constantly being on his mind.  He says it is a matter of time but I don't see how the fear of upsetting her and her cutting him out of his childs life will ever be alleviated....she is constantly going to have that level of control over him.  I understand the difficulties he faces but what should I do.....I love him and want to be able to love him freely.....
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I am 41 and I divorced 10 years ago.  I met a man at work shortly thereafter.  We kind of had feelings for each other but he was also divorced following a twenty year marriage (1973 - 1993).  At this point they had been divorced for seven years.  He started to date her again and they tried to resolve their differences.  They dated on and off from 1998 - 2005.  At that point they stopped dating but I was involved with a man at that point.

Fast forward to 2009.  The colleague and I started dating.  It has been seven months now.  Everything is great.  He loves me soooo much.  He writes me poetry, and music, and treats me like absolute gold.  He is talking about getting married one day and I know he is very sincere.  We have that "soulmate" feeling.

The problem is that he talks to his ex wife a couple of times a month by email or telephone (not in person).  He will not tell her about me because he doesn't want to upset her, and he says its none of her business anyway.    I was OK with that but deep down it bugged me.  It was like she and I were both getting the short end of the stick.

Recently it has been Christmas, and her birthday passed, and a few other "nostalgia" times.  He is talking about her with great sadness, and having a hard time throwing out any of her stuff from his apartment (she lived there when they were married).  He is confiding in me that he feels badly they never made the relationship work, especially because they had made a commitment to be together forever when they got married in 1973.  He is very moral so that bothers him.  He says he has to move on and that he is starting to move on.  I'm thinking "you told me that we will get married someday.  What do you mean you are STARTING to move on?"  He said last night that when he was going through some old boxes he was wondering if he gave up on her too easily in 1993 when he first left her and filed for divorce.    

He claims there is no way they can "make it work", they tried by dating after the divorce and he knows full well it will never work.  

He really appreciates being able to talk to me about it and he appreciates my open attitude.
I don't know if I should be listening when it upsets me so much.  He talks about her just about every time I see her.  Two months ago when it was her birthday he wanted to take her for a meal and give her flowers.  I said NO.  He said he wouldn't kiss her.  He then told me that during the time when they were dating for seven years (post divorce), she wouldn't let him kiss her once in the seven years.    My response was "if you take her out to a restaurant, and give her flowers, and don't kiss her, then it's exactly like when you were dating her. Nothing would be different since you didn't kiss her on dates.  She will think it's another date.  Especially if you don't tell her about me".  

He saw my point and felt bad.  He said he would tell her about me.  He didn't take her out or celebrate her birthday in any way.

She called him over Christmas and she is moving out of town.  He is now in a funk that she is moving far away and that "time is moving on".    He started to tell her, but changed his mind and didn't want their phone call to end on a sad note.

He has a huge heart, and is incredibly empathetic to all people, and even to animals.  He can't stand to hurt anyone.  I believe that he truly doesn't want to cause anyone pain.

But, in the meantime, he is hurting her by keeping information from her, and hurting me because I have to keep hearing about this elusive other woman.

He does parade me around happily to his friends and family.  He loves me a lot and I believe that.  He says it's me, forever.

When he's with me and holding me and talking about it, I am OK.  I can feel in his touch that he loves me and that he enjoys being honest.  It would be worse if he kept it all inside.  But, when he leaves I always feel like "Hell, here we go again.  Another visit spent reminiscing about a lost love".  I feel sad and hurt.

I have told him but he just reassures me I'm the one, and not to worry.

Is it a disservice to let him keep talking about her?  I'm not the kind of girl to give ultimatums.  I think that's immature.  The choice has to come from him, not from my directive.

Help.
Judith (Irish Faerie Blessings) Kreindel Profile
Unless he is doing this to make her think the two of them have another shot, I would not worry too much. Or unless he really hides you from her. Perhaps he doesn't want her to feel embarrassment or sadness that he has moved on. Express to him in a calm way how this makes you feel, that's the best thing to do, put those feelings out in the open. Let him know by keeping you a secret, it seems he wants to have a chance at something with her still.
Renee' Purdy Profile
Renee' Purdy answered
Tell her, or send a message with some info fortifying your story. Some kind of proof or knowledge that maybe only someone he has slept with would probably know. Or send an incriminating photo to a friend via his phone but Oops send it to her by mistake. Worked for me.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
I think that you two prob shouldnt be together than because any guy that is still talking to their ex on the regular and wont tell them about you is more than likely cheating on you and they are prob still together and he tells her your just a friend
hes lying to the both of you I would just tell her anyways because you know what its like to be hurt do you really want her to be hurt too...? I know it sounds like it would be nice if she were. But lets be honest she isn't doing anything wrong. She doesnt even know about you she thinks your just a friend
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Be pissed off! I've dealt with the same thing and very hard to accept the fact that your not getting the type of recognition that is needed. Personally- I would be pissed I would seriously make it a point to let him know that it;s a problem and he needs to let her know! Why is he still communicating with his ex to the point where he needs to let her know who he's involved with.
Lena JH Profile
Lena JH answered
Ohhhhhhh! I answered your other question without seeing this one! So you are positive that he hasn't told his ex about you. Noooo, that's not a good thing at all. You shouldn't worry about him breaking up with you, you should be on your toes ready to break up with him! Tell him that he needs to let his ex know that it's over between them and that he has someone new, you. And if he's hesitant then yes you definitely have something to worry about if he's talking to her all the time. It seems to me that he feels caught in between the two of you, he hasn't let her go yet. Your going to have to make a decision on if you want to stay if he doesn't shape up quick!
thanked the writer.
Anonymous
Anonymous commented
I want to work it out because we live together so more is at stake than just our relationship. I have tried to make it clear to him that my jealousy will stop if he just tells her about me, but he still won't. I am getting so frustrated though I just don't know what to do.
Lena JH
Lena JH commented
Awww I'm sorry. Is it a joint thing, or do one of you have a claim to the place you are living in?
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

Trust yourself. If you feel that he is hiding something then he very well might be but if there is a genuine reason then listen to him and judge for yourself. My bf has told everyone about me, I've met his friends, family, work mates. I know he loves me and I don't doubt him. But for the first few months of our relationship he didn't tell one of his exs about me (not his most recent). This was because she used to emotionally blackmail him about dropping out of uni and self harm if he stopped talking to her. 

So he waited until she was finished uni but he told me all about it from the start. She used to bombard him with texts and calls and he would show and tell me all of it. Every relationship is different but if he's in it for you then he should go out of his way to explain and put it right. A girl knows when it's right, whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not is another thing....Good luck x

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
It sounds like you are lacking TRUST, which is key in any relationship. If you can't trust that he won't do things with her, then maybe you should get to know him a bit better. I wish you the best.
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Tell her and tell him that you didnt like him not telling her and you thank he is cheating on you
Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered
Well ask him y he wont tell her he might still have feelings 4 her and if he does you shouldn't be with him!
Jason Profile
Jason answered
Tell your bf that you feel uncomfortable with the situation and if he still wont tell his ex your going to have to break up with him if you expect something

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