My husband was severely abused as a child by his father. This has left him with a lot of built up anger. He never wants to talk about it, and I don't know how to help him?


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Adila Adila Profile
Adila Adila answered

Well....if he is your husband he really should at least speak to you about it because if you're going to live with him for the rest of his life then he needs to get used to telling you things like that...

It's a tough subject because obviously he feels very upset by this situation, I guess because he feels as if he has/had done something wrong for his father to inflict abuse on him like that, he probably thinks it is his fault or he is confused why any parent would do that. That's perfectly normal, what you need to do it , go through phase 1 (and how long have you been married because the longevity of your marriage may alter the way he thinks necessary to confide with you these things..

Phase 1 includes , letting him know bluntly that you are there for him for when he needs to speak to someone about it or when he is in need of some support. By doing this you would reassure him that you are there and he may feel more comfortable in telling you. For example, indirectly mention that you would support him no matter what, and show your affections towards him , then let him know that if he ever needs to talk to not hesitate to speak to you.

Phase 2 - This includes bringing up the subject yourself... This can be tricky if he has years of built-up anger so you will need to do it slowly and gradually , just tell him a little about you past , maybe that will make him open up a little about his? Speak to him about your family and ask him if he is ready to tell you , ask him why he feels so much anger , ask him 'do you blame yourself for what happened or are you just confused why it happened'? , Tell him that bottling it up will not help him at all.

Phase 3 - if you have kids this would be great because spending time with them will make him think about his own Father and then you can ask him shortly after he has played or talked to the kids that 'What did you think your father did wrong that you're doing right'? Etc.  If you don't have kids then you could spend more time with him , and get him to meet your Father which I am sure would be a lot friendlier and then he may see the differences and open up? Make him go out and create more secure relationships for one crucial relationship he was never able to make because of the unfortunate circumstances.

Phase 4 - Get your Father or other important male figure to speak to him , not directly just like that , but let them get comfortable in talking to each other and then ask the figure to talk about his concerns as a child and ask your husband how he has been feeling , and the male figure should give some advice on how to overcome it.

That's the phases I have. If he were here to read this I would tell him that your past defines who you are , so grab your past no matter how big or small , hard or simple and mould it into the great person you want to be , swallow it up and laugh at It , let it make you stronger , let the scars on show for the world to see how strong you are for going through such an ordeal , sure it is not easy but anger against someone who would probably never feel anything for you will not help you in the long run , it will only continue to destroy you , continue to destroy the little happy family you have , so don't mess up the happiness you have now, smile because you have a beautiful wife who cares for you a lot and people that want you to smile and feel better , me being one of them. Good luck and God bless.

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