Anonymous

My brother died unexpectedly at age 37. My other brother brought his married lover to the funeral and sat with the family. Was I wrong to be angry?

4 Answers

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

First, sorry for the loss of your brother.  The other brother was very disrespectful.  Only immediate family members are seated in the first few rows following funeral etiquette.  If your brother claims he needed her "support" or "consoling" she could have done that at an appropriate time but not seated with family members.  Shame on both of them especially since she is married.

thanked the writer.
Barbara Bennett
Barbara Bennett commented
First, sorry for your loss. I agree completely that the brother was selfishly disrespectful. The married woman had no business at the funeral whether she knew the deceased or not. If she felt she had to be there, then she should've sat in the back and remained unseen. People nowadays have no manners nor etiquette. It's sad. Stop the adultery!
Arthur Wright Profile
Arthur Wright , Florida Paralegal with a BS degree in Social-Psychology, answered

Sorry for your loss here and yes it was really stupid to bring her as there is a place for everything and this was one of them to bring her. But the damage is done so just let it go and tell him how you feel later on.

Anonymous Profile
Anonymous answered

Sorry to hear about this tragic situation. The last thing you probably want when you're grieving is internal family conflict due to your brother's insensitive behavior.

Depending on how well the family knew his lover, and what your culture is - it may have been strange and even painful to see his married lover sitting in on the funeral at such a painful time for your family.

While you have every right to feel upset, I'd also recommend considering why your older brother might behave in this way...

  • Is he struggling with your brother's passing away?
  • Maybe his lover is offering some form of mental support?
  • Maybe she simply acts as a distraction from the pain that's surrounding the situation? (living in denial is dangerous, but I'm sure you can understand why someone might act in this way...)

Without knowing your brother, it's hard to predict what he's thinking by bringing his married lover along to the funeral and displaying her so prominently.

My advice would be to speak to him. Not in an angry or upset way, but learn and enquire about where he's at, what's going on with this relationship...

Most of all though, don't feel bad that you were angry.

You are facing a difficult time, and I think most people can see why your brother's actions would have been considered upsetting or even inconsiderate.

Barbara Bennett Profile
Barbara Bennett answered

First let me extend my condolences to you and your family.  There is a time and place for everything and your brother was very disrespectful to his family. Only immediate family members are designated for seating in the first rows out of respect.  The brother's lover (her being married is just disgusting - get a divorce if you're unhappy; but that's another topic) had absolutely no business even being at the funeral and if she was there, she should have sat at the back and out of sight. 

It's amazing how selfish and disrespectful people are.  You had every right to be angry. 

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