I have been going through the same situation and just wanted to say a few things on the subject.
First, as in any marriage, if you are being abused, threatened or cheated on, then you should end it. If people can search for advice on a bad marriage then they can search for help in getting out. There are many organizations designed to help women escape bad relationships and get back on their feet.
It bothers me to see people simply say run and get out just because someone is transgender. That's like saying, "I dated a guy with brown eyes and he cheated, so never, ever trust someone with brown eyes!"
When I was first told, I was devastated. I was so hurt and mad. I felt like my life was over. Now, I've never been happier with him. I did a lot of research and studying on the internet. Once I began to understand him and ask him questions, things began getting better.
My advice is, if he is coming to you about this, then he trust you and is showing he's open to talking. If you loved him and married him, then you know when he is being honest or not. You didn't ask for this and I know it hurts, but he didn't ask for it either. We have both had our share of heartache and sorrow over this and there were times neither of us wanted to live anymore.
Looking back I now feel like most of my negative emotions were from what I had read of other people going through. What I didn't understand then was they had bad relationships with their husbands. Not all people are the same. Just because some men cheat or abuse their wives doesn't mean they all will, just like because some transgenders are gay, doesn't mean they all are. I know of a lot now that aren't. Some women cheat, not all. Putting him into a category with other people that weren't the same as him was my mistake and I own it now.
I'm sure I'll get torn apart by people with bad experiences for posting something positive but if it can help one wife, then I'm happy. If you trusted and loved your husband before you found out about this, then there is a chance it could happen again. I'm not saying it will, but it can, it did for me. My marriage is better now, even though I never, ever would have thought that before.
It isn't easy and takes a lot of work, but doesn't any good marriage? If you love each other, trust each other and are open and honest, then there is hope if you want to try.
For anyone stuck and not knowing what to do but you want to try, here is my advice. It's just my two cents, take it how you want but it worked for me. First I would suggest you get him to take the COGIATI, it's an online test and at the end you get a score and advice on what that means and what levels should be taken next. You can find it here, transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html
What I did was I took the test myself and answered as I felt, then I took it again and answered as I thought he would. Then I compared his results with mine. It was very insightful, I discovered things I didn't know about him before. Tell him you would like to see the results page. His answers wont be on that page so he wont have to worry about that if he's feeling shy about it. If he doesn't mind, you can hit the back button on your browser and see his answers. This one little test helped us both understand what was going on so much that I think it was the key in us starting the amazing marriage we have now.
I know it's not easy to ask questions and talk about this with your husband but if you want to make it work, then you will have to. You both need to find a time when you are both calm and feeling open and just discuss it like adults. Find out exactly what he wants or plans to happen. Don't lead him into trap questions or say things to lure him into a false security, that will only make things worse.
Try to forget about what other people think or say. This isn't anyone elses life but yours and his. If the two of you are happy, then that is what matters.
He's broken your trust and that's not an easy thing to gain back but it happens everyday with couples. Not in this exact way, maybe by cheating, drinking, drugs, gambling, there are many things that break trust, it's not the end of the world if you are both open and willing to work on things. One thing that helped me understand was in my reading of psychological studies I found that it's not always there. They may have had thoughts or feelings but as people age and their brains mature, things change and progress. A lot of cases don't come to the point of this until the ages of mid twenties or thirties, some people may take until their fifties or sixties to manifest into something that has to be brought out into the open. So, while it seems you've been lied to and betrayed, it isn't always like that.
If I had found out any other way other than him telling me, I don't think I could have handled it at all. If I had walked in on him or found clothes and makeup or been told by someone else it might have completely blown any hope for a future. Him telling me was him giving me all of his trust. Can you imagine having to work up the courage to tell you wife something like this after years of marriage? I don't think I could do it.
If you don't want it to work, if you are 100% set on getting out, then do it and get it over with, now! His condition isn't going to change, it's going to progress if anything. Staying with him and hoping it will go away just isn't doing anything but making things worse for both of you.
If you want to try and make it work. If you love him, trust him, believe him and think he's faithful, then dig in your heels and show him you love him and are there for him, but make him understand he must do the same for you. Your feelings and desires are just as important as his are and if you can do this for him, then he can bend over backwards for you. Be assertive and strong, stand up for yourself and make your intentions and desires clear. But also be supportive and understanding if you want to try and make it work. Be playful and fun when you can to help lighten the mood and any tension. When I first started asking questions I was scared to death. What I did was ask him if I could do his hair and makeup. It wasn't something I actually wanted to do at that moment but I was nervous and scared. By giving my attention and focus on his hair and makeup, I was able to ask more questions and listen to what he had to say while I stayed busy with that. Before I knew it we were laughing and having a really great time.
Find things you both like to do together. After him going on a diet and us doing yoga together, we actually wear the same size clothes. Hey, double your wardrobe, makeup and jewelry while you're at it! Offer him tips on makeup and hairstyle, clothing and jewelry. You know all about that stuff, he doesn't. Explain to him the hardships females have to go through their entire lives to create who they are today. It isn't easy and he should understand that. You are the teacher, you're the one with the knowledge. In a weird way you are actually molding a new person, might as well be the one you want right?
My husband is still my spouse, lover and most important, my best friend. It wasn't always like this, even before he told me about this we weren't as good as we are now. He's way more compassionate, understanding, caring, loving and trusting than ever before.
I hope this helps someone. It's a very difficult situation to go through and anyone going through has my thoughts and prayers. If he's a good person and it's worth it to you to try and make it work then being open and honest is a must. It can be good, they aren't all bad, just like anything else. I wouldn't have thought it would be worth it years ago, but, if I was given a chance to go back before this happened and have it not happen, I wouldn't do it. I'm much happier now, so is he. We have fun, we laugh, we cry, we love each other, that's what a marriage is. Someone being transgender doesn't have to change that, it can make it better.
Thanks for reading and I hope it helps!
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